I'm pretty sure no one reads this anymore, and that's ok. I just needed to voice a few thoughts.

First off, I'm pretty stressed out. Sus took her car away to Chicago (which is fine), but didn't give me enough warning to ask off weird work hours. So as a result my husband will have to flip his schedule all over the place and loose a lot of much needed studying to cart me off to work or worry about getting our kid to / from daycare.

Secondly, I've been trying to lessen the amount of sugar / caffeine I consume in a week. I've been failing miserably. So whenever I have a day where I'm not too stressed out to just give up and have a soda, I end up with headaches.

Also, I wanted to mention a few TV shows I've gotten addicted to on Netflix that have been canceled before they really got to get very far in the world. It deeply saddens me. Since they will never return, I wanted to at least voice this silent protest on their behalf.

-The Riches is an amazingly funny show that did a really good job of drawing me in each episode I watched it. It kept being unpredictable, and I loved all the characters. It ran for 1 1/2 seasons before being cut off without any sorts of endings to the plot lines.

-Kidnapped was also really good. It was a keep-me-on-the-edge-of-my-seat kind of show, with lots of action, and some mystery. I'm not quite sure how the storyline could of kept on running through multiple seasons, but I'm sure I would've enjoyed it if they'd figured out how.

Finally, on a less ranting kind of note, I'm trying out something new for dinner. I got the idea from an online recipe base. It's Zucchini "Pizza", where the zucchini is the "crust" topped with pizza toppings. Sadly, I have no sausage, so ours will just be cheese pizzas. And since I don't have a grill I improvised by sauteing the zucchinis before throwing them in the oven. Hopefully they will turn out well.


That's it for now.

What if I waited too long this time?

Job after job after job after job. Each turning out to be a no. Some hurt lest than others. And now, there is another at my fingertips- but I haven't heard back yet, and I think I was supposed to call them. To top it off, I've had two local calls placed to my phone this week and missed both of them (I was not able to answer) and either of those could have potentially been the call I was waiting on.

This morning, I decided to call even though I should've done so 2 days ago. And I got an answering machine, because I called too early in the morning. >.< So nervous. So very nervous.

*sigh*

This is wearing down on me. But I will keep taking steps forward, even if this doesn't turn out to be the job for me. I just hope it is. Because I'm loosing my nerve. And it's not getting any easier to hear the rejections.

I know I shouldn't get frustrated. And I know that looking at failed job opportunities as a failure to myself is Not a good way to go about this search. But the discouragement is there anyway, and I don't know how to get past it.

Today I find myself wanting to go seek out a corner and cry after filling out two job applications. Just filling them out is enough to make my emotions go crazy.

This is not right. And I know it. And I'm trying to get this under control and face down these things that are scaring me- and maybe I can do it. But I wish it didn't feel so hopeless.

See, the problem with job searching, is that all the Nos start to get discouraging. And that leads to a lack of self confidence, overwhelmingly down emotions, hopelessness, and general avoidance of all things job related. And all these things are not conducive to job searching, which makes it even harder to find said evasive job.

And while I can think about this rationally, it doesn't change the fact that all these negative influences are pushing down on my soul.

So, today I'm not going to cry. I'm going to sit here and reason with myself and breathe until I get past this... because it doesn't get easier- it gets Harder-, and obviously going to cry in a corner isn't going to find me a job.

But at least this reasoning is leaving me feeling slightly better about the situation.

I can get through this.

But can I find a job?

Little changes scare me. So much that it's 3:30 in the morning and I haven't been able to sleep for the last 1/2 hour.

What will happen if I deviate from this schedule I have planned out in my head? Can I handle doing this alone? Will there be very many people there? Will I make it through the morning?

Maybe I should change my plans completely, or maybe I should just let it all go. But it's not that simple, because for some reason I don't know how to drop this... it wells up inside of me and becomes more of a problem then it is, and I hate that.

I know that people have their own lives to live. And I don't want to be a nag. I just don't know how to deal with these changes...

I don't know what scares me more- trying to overcome the anxiety I have that seems to be taking over my life, or knowing that it might not be something I can handle on my own and some sort of medication might actually make things easier for me.

I feel like I should be able to handle this. I've been through so much in my life already, and it's taken me a long time but I believe in myself now and if I think I can do something I should be capable of doing this. But maybe this is out of my hands- because try as I might I still find myself in the same place...

In a corner, on the floor, crying till I have a headache that will last all week, and all because of the stress of every day life.

This morning was no different... and sadly I had my breakdown right before my husband left go go sailing. He didn't want to leave because he suspected nothing was wrong but came in to tell me something before he left and found me sitting on the bed, crying, and shaking hard enough that it really worried him.

I tried to explain to him after enough emotion passed that I could breathe again that I'm stressed out by all the changes... but apparently they are changes that are not obvious to him.....

So here I am back at the beginning. I am trying to consider after being coaxed into seeking outside help weather this is something I can handle changing on my own or if there should be medication involved. And it scares me. Just as much as walking up to someone in a store and asking for an application, or just as much as talking to that person in the plot next to me at the community garden.

I can't simplify it. I'm trying so hard, and it just isn't going away. And maybe if I'm patient and keep trying really hard it will.... but I don't know if I have that in me.

I guess there's a lot I don't know right now. But I'm tired of being stressed out all the time. And I want to feel like I am living again.

After Jeremy died, I found myself wishing quite often that God would take me too. I couldn't understand why I was still here, or for that matter why God keeps any of us on earth when there is something so much better waiting for us.

I don't wish for that so much these days, but sometimes I still find it really hard to understand why we are here. I guess most of the time I just don't think about it too much.

Except, right now, something about my life situation makes me think maybe it would be easier if I just knew why.

:/

I dunno. I think I was going somewhere with this line of thought, but it's lost in me now.

One of the best tips I walked away with from my job counseling meeting was that I needed to find a book called What Color Is Your Parachute , by Richard N. Bolles.

I've been trying to read a little glob of pages every day since I picked up the book, since I haven't been job searching in the last week or two- I am just so burnt out. But today I found something interesting.

Apparently at least partly what has been causing much of the stress in my life is called Rejection Shock. >.> Sadly, knowing this doesn't help me figure out how to fight it, even though the book suggests looking at statistics (Even seeing the statistics, I can't seem to ignore all the things that are causing most of the stress to begin with).

Maybe getting through the book further will help even more.

Typically, job hunters fight 'rejection shock' by lowering their expectations, sinking into depression, feeling a real desperation and despair. Rejection shock can assume all the proportions of a major crisis in your life, your personal relations and your family, leading to withdrawal (often) or or estrangement (frequently).... -Richard Bolles, What Color Is Your Parachute