So, after a week of getting away from life for a little while, I'm back at school. Breaking out worse than ever, still not managing to work on the homework I was supposed to catch up on, and wondering what I'm doing here.
It seems that a week away from my beloved room mate has not been enough to let the edginess between us die down. And, reguardless of how many people there are at home who call every day, or care about where I am, school is still different. The friends I have are happy to see me, and I them, but most of them would be just as happy if I were elsewere.
I've thought a lot more about this whole transfer thing. I still havn't heard from Seattle U, and that's probably a good thing, because I think I need at least a few more days of unswayed thinking.
It occured to me as I was driving home last night that I was really homesick. I had only been away for about 1/2 hour at that point in time, but I felt as though I was about ready to fall apart with longing to be where I wasn't going; back home. Then I thought to myself, if I'm this homesick in Iowa, how would I deal with the pangs of homesickness in Seattle, where home isn't a nice 4 hour drive away? Of course, it's not like I can go home at any moment in time here anyway, and homesickness is something I'll get better at dealing with in time.
Lots of people say do whatever makes you happy. As if it were easy to find out exactly what that was. I know I'm at a sort of peace here. I'm used to the way things are, and I'm okay with them. But is not feeling drastically unhappy with the way things are saying that by default that means I must be happy?
I switched highschools after my sophomore year. I was unhappy with my life when I was at Mayo. If I had stayed there, I know I wouldn't have graduated with even a B average, and I definatly wouldn't have found the modivation to apply to the types of schools I'm attending. Yet, even if I hadn't been so unhappy at there, the decision to switch still would've been the right choice. I had a sense of belonging at Studio. It wasn't a sense that people would miss me terribly after I graduated, but while I was there they genuinly cared about me. Plus, I related to the people, I enjoyed all my teachers, and I loved even the classes I wanted to loathe. In a sense, Studio let me see the world through a different set of eyes. There is more than just being okay with life- happiness is out there.
A smiget of it here and there doesn't make it real. And I need to find that.
*sigh* I talk like I have my decision made already. And maybe in my heart I do. But I don't know if I'll act on it.
I need to talk to people. Talking clears up many things. Maybe it will clear up the last bits of uncertainty I still feel.