This morning I was in a really down mood.. I guess all the thoughts of last night, combined with a lack of excitement wasn't enough to raise my spirits.
Gaming helped a bit.. by the end, I was actually not frowning anymore, but then the mood ended. And now I'm almost back where I started this morning.
I guess I'm unhappy with the way things are between Ben's group of friends, and me. I don't belong there- I enjoy gaming with them, but I'm not welcome like I used to be. I mean, they're friendly guys, but now that Ben and I aren't really talking, they aren't going to go out of their way to stay friends with me... if they ever were friends. I mean, I never really was brave enough to really get to know any of them. I don't know. I wonder if it's silly of me to even be hanging out with them the little time that I do spend playing dungeons and dragons.
I'm also feeling... well, I'm not sure. I don't like that I hang out with the same people everyday, yet I never really actually do anything. Partly that's my fault. I havn't gone out of my way this spring to join things like Ultimate Frisbee that started last fall- mostly because I don't know if I can or want to deal with a big group of strange people. But it's also partly because I don't want confrentation- I don't want to run into Ben when he's watching his friends play, I don't want to try to fit into a group of people that already know eachother really well, and I don't want to dig until I find out the when, where, and how often they meet. Another part of why I don't ever really do anything is because although there are things to do here, (I'm sure there are), they would either cost a lot more money than I have (which is not any), or they would be too far away...
Maybe I'm just making excuses. I don't know.
What I do know is I don't want to be here next year. Whatever the reasons are, I could stay here, and I could learn to give into things I don't want to give into. I could force myself to find some sort of solice with the way things are. But I don't fit here. And I don't know that I could really really be happy.