Now I'm back to where I always start. In my room, thinking about sleeping, but wanting to badly to just let everything out and cry.

See, today was the day that my petition was considered by the registrar's office. They were going to accept or deny my wish to take .03 more credits than I'd normally be alowed to take. And they denied it....

My gpa is .005 lower than it should be to be a the minimum for getting this petition granted. And I knew when I was filling it out that there was a chance it wouldn't work- I saw that in the faces of my advisors yesterday as they signed the sheets. But I didn't want to consider that they would accept it, and it would still go on to be deinied. I mean, they're the ones who really know me- who know what I'm capable of. To the people considering my petition, I'm just another number on a piece of paper.

This is really shitty. I know it's not the end of the world, but it changes my view of Coe, again. No matter where I go, will I ever be more than just a damn number to people? This is a small liberal arts college- this is the place they're supposed to go the extra mile to care about us. And if that happens here.. what's to make me think it could be different anywhere else?

I want to say I don't care. Pretend like I'm not hurt as much as I am by this. I want to push away all the feelings of not living up to my potential, and not being good enough. But I can't. Because I know that this year I didn't give my all to my classes until I saw that I was falling in them, and by then it was too late to pass with the A I needed to keep my gpa up. It's my own fault. I'm the one who doesn't realize how much I'm supposed to care until it's too late.

So, now here I sit. Holding back tears, feeling like the world has just stolen another dream. Wondering if this ever changes, ever gets better....