Right now I've got that light headache that goes along with holding back tears. I feel so hopeless, so lost, so misunderstood. I'm tired of blowing things out of proportion. *sigh* And now the tears are real.

If going into a room of people, wanting to be a part of them- feel the natural casualness that comes from being comfortable in a situation- is something that's normal, than I am normal. Except, when I enter that room a sense of franticness sets in, and I find myself having to concentrate on breathing just so that I'll remember to take my next breath. Things spin, and the room shrinks. But those are minor details, because I'm focusing on the oxygen. If that's something that fades with time, then I wish I could experience it contiously until it dissapears. Because it sure as hell is fading slowly.

I cry because I hear words I don't want to hear. I wanted an instant fix. A magic wand waved, and the words spoken, "thou shalt no longer fear people, and thou wilst be able to be near them with a clear head". Or, even better a, "thou canst stay afraid if thou wilst, for thou wilst have someone to hold thou's hand who wilst understand thou's fear".

I'm not making sense. But I'm feeling strong emotions that are pulling me in different directions. Part of me says if this is something that will fade, that's a good thing, because that means it's something you can fix on your own. But a bigger part of me says I can't do this alone. Or rather, I can, but what's the point? People try to be understanding. They go out of thier ways to include me, to make me feel welcome. They try to put themselves in my situation, and they're patient with me.

But they don't feel what I feel. And I don't want their understanding.

*sigh* I'm hungry, and maybe that's part of the reason I'm feeling a bit unrational. But I'm not eating lunch today in the caf, because Kristin's at class, and I'm not feeling brave. And I shouldn't have to feel brave.

So right now, I'm going to wallow in my delusion that someone is going to come along who does understand me, and doesn't have to try. Someone will come along who won't let me be so alone. Someone will make it so I don't want to feel like a part of the crowds of people, because they'll be all that matters.