Tonight, as I lay in bed trying to catch up on the sleep I've been missing previous nights, Hootie and the Blowfish is what I'm listening to on my computer. The lyrics are so familiar. The CD, Musical Chairs is one that's given me comfort and hope since before Jeremy. It's the CD I used to listen to when he'd call, and suddenly the lyrics wouldn't seem so important anymore.

I sat down to remember all the pain we shared. But I drifted to times not so hard. Oh I see you in the corner of life's grand ballroom, and I tremble to see you again. Let's all go home again, find where we have been. Time is never understood. I see you holding me, Please don't let me be, Tonight just may be our last...

My mind drifts back to Jer on nights like this, partly because I think about him and pray for him every night. But partly because my mind has been on relationships again lately.

I hadn't realized before how much the idea of someone means to me- rather, I had noticed, but I've been trying with all my mind to push that out, because I don't have anyone so making that important can't be good.

In the midst of all the confusion of feelings I feel, or want to feel for people know, I have memories of what it really feels like to fall for someone. I look out the window, and I see the star I used to wish on- the start that now belongs more to Jeremy than any other star will ever belong to anyone. It is his star, because he was my first love, my frist broken dream, my best friend of all time (in a way that couldn't possibly be relevent to anyone else).

Someday, there might be more stars in the sky. Now and then, when I walk through my days, I see the twinkle some guys have in their eyes. It gives me hope.

Amongst all the PDAs other college couples share so willingly, I am reminded that someone used to think I was worth caring about, worth touching and holding. There was someone who walked to the edge of the earth, took my pain and embraced it with silence, because he knew it was the only way to know who I was.

For now, I will remember the good times, and be thankful that I had some. And go sleep, trying to once again push back the longings I hide so deep within me.