A week and a half of classes, a week of finals, three days to catch up with everyone I know and love, and then off to Washington to visit and get to really know my beloved older sister.

I never thought I would make it this far. There were times in highschool I wasn't sure I would make it to graduation- I wasn't even sure I'd ever finish tenth grade. Now, almost four years later, as I look back, I see all the things I gave up when I transferred schools. I gave up seeing a few of my best friends every day, and gave up the familiar security of a building full of people I'd grown up with. I gave up a few teachers who kept me going day after day, even when things started to really head downhill. I gave up the hope of ever fitting in, or really belonging at that school.
But I gave up a lot of bad stuff too. I gave up my hopless days and tear filled nights. I gave up feeling like I didn't really matter, and I gave up believing that education was worth throwing away. I gave up having headaches every morning after I woke up, and the urge to skip all my classes. I gave up pretending to be someone I never was.
I was happier after I left. I had forgotten what happiness was while I was there. None of my friends would've kept me going, because the part of me that was getting lost wasn't a part they could reach. And all the friends I left behind are still good friends now.

Over the past few days, I've been saying over and over again that a lot can change in three weeks. And, things are changing. Another phase of people stopped caring about being a part of my life, and a few more people have been sucked in again. I've been generally okay with the way things are; perhaps not exstatic, or overjoyed... but I've been content at least.

Where is my real happiness now? And, is it worth leaving the world behind again, while I run to a place that really could give me the will to get up each morning, and be excited about the life I'm living?

I don't know what makes most people get out of bed day after day. They know their routine, and they're going to live it for the rest of thier lives. But they choose to let it stay that way, and they willingly put themselves into the world. I'm not excited about the day when I wake up here. I get up to go eat breakfast, because it's my favorite part of the day.

Anywhere I end up, I'll find a kind of contentness. I may be on the verge of failure again, or on the verge of exposing myself to a routine that I willingly fall into. Or perhaps I'll give up my deepest hopes and dreams in order to conform to what the world expects me to be. But I'd like to find somewhere that gives me more than contentness. I want back that feeling that getting up is exciting, because I get to live another day.