Everything in white was written at about 3:50 in the morning. Blogger wasn't working. *Sigh*

"Oh, I can't take another heartache
Though you say you're my friend
I'm at my wits end
You say your love is bonafide
But that don't coincide "

Yipes. I don't know why I fight with myself so much, but I'm driving myself back to the point of the sadness/depression I came from this year. I don't need a relationship- and friends are so much better right now anyway. I need to just get my bounds straight, and figure out what the hell I'm doing, and not worry so much. It doesn't work that way though.

Damn it all...

It's like, your favorite food is chocolate, but you decided for some reason or not that you're not going to eat it anymore. Maybe you got sick last time because you ate too much at one time. But now, you're passing this huge chocolate shop- with perhaps the best chocolates you've ever tasted. You so want to stop in and try one, but you can't- because you gave them up.

What's a girl to do?

Saying I don't want a relationship is not only crap, it would be lying to myself.

But I can't get all down either- just because I'm too shy to talk to guys, and because I expect things to happen in a moment.

Is it too much to wish for though, when I fell asleep in his arms?

If crying would help, I would just to get it over with. But I know it wouldn't help, and I don't know how to get rid of these feelings. I want to be happy. I want not to worry about the cute guy who I get all giddy about. I want not to care anymore.

I want to be in his arms.

I am a walking contradiction.

I wish Joy was up right now. Or Francis, or Ky.

My best friends are all not around... and tonight I don't need them to keep me sane- I just wish I had a guy to talk to, to tell me I'm okay. I wish I had one of them here to hug me, and remind me that friendship has always proven better than a crumby relationship- and I want them to let me forget about my problems for a while.

Everything is wants.. there is nothing that I'm actually acting on...

Why does everyone make it seem like it should be so simple? Everyone expects me to be so damn brave- "just ask him out", or "just talk to him". Do you guys remember what I was like the first time you met me? That's crap.

I wish I could live up to your expectations.

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*sigh* I don't want to sleep tonight. Let me mope in my sadness for all of time, and let the pain be real and the tears wet. I am just as deserving as anyone else for a relationship. And like everyone else, I want to fall in love.

Tonight, I decided, for the Nth^Nth time that I don't want anything to do with guys anymore- ever.

If I don't feel the pain, I can be happy. I was happy this past week... I want to feel like that forever.

GRRRRRR!

Why can't I feel like that all the time?

If you were to ask me the best day of my life, I'd say that day when Jer and I saw a movie, played mini-golf, and just hung out all night getting to know eachother and enjoying eachother's company.

If you were to ask me the best night, I'd say it was last week when I stayed up all night dancing with these really sweet guys, and I almsot fell asleep in the arms of one of them.

If you asked me when the last time I was happy was, I'd say it was this past week sometime.

If you were to ask me my biggest fear, I'd tell you it's that I'm never going to move past my fears of people, and that I'll be alone forever.

If you asked me who steals my dreams these days, I'd shyly smile, and work away from the answer.

If you were to ask me anything at all.... forever I would be greatful. I'm stuck in a rut. It's selfish, it's unfair, and it's no fun. What a great friend I am.

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Does life really have a happy ending? This could end up good. It could end up mutual. And I'm expecting the worse.

There is an optamistic side.. somewhere. Is it worth digging out?