late night insanities draw near at this hour. i'm the only one online now, who is actually at my computer. so all the talking with rational people is really done for the evening.

like most nights, tonight i wish i had someone to hold me, and tell me that i don't have to be alone forever. even through all the bickering that some of the people in my life do, it's all out of love- and they still have each other after the hurt is exposed.

i'm a silly girl for dreaming like i do... i wouldn't know how to make a relationship work if the perfect one was right in front of my face. i kid myself when i tell other people that all i really want is to have someone to grow old with. because nothing in my world lasts. there's always that instinct that kicks in which makes me run away.

i think, i feel as though if i stay in seattle, i have a better chance of finding the man of my dreams. or, if i travel the world for years to come, staying only long enough to really know a few people, i'll instantly know if he is or isn't there- and then i'll be able to move on again. but running isn't the answer. and if the right guy is in seattle, i'm certainly not going to find him by moping around.

i mean, who is this right guy, anyway? what does he look like, and why would he want me? sure, i've got good qualities. but i'm a spaz, and relationship wise, i fall apart more than i ought to. i'm a very dependent person who still wants to believe that my prince charming will really save me from the world; he'll be everything i want, and everything i need.

as ben so kindly pointed out, many months past the time where it would've made much of a difference for us, there isn't a guy who can handle that kind of pressure. and it's not fair of me to ask it of them.

i don't think any of my thoughts tonight are especially deep, and i'm pretty sure none of them are new concepts. but they are my dreams, analyzed and picked apart. rationalized. remade to fit the standards that might actually exist.

i shouldn't have to do that with my dreams. that's why, even though i want a relationship, i don't really want one.

i won't give in. i won't tone down my dreams and desires because they're too much for the world. i refuse to be shoved into the molds of acceptability, and even though it does break my heart to not have my dreams answered... at least i still have hope.

my hope is not that someday my dreams come true though. it's that maybe someday i'll meet some guy crazy enough that those dreams won't matter so much anymore. :) some guy who will make me wonder why those dreams ever meant so much anyway.