*sigh* My second day in Seattle is almost over, and still I feel so out of place. I love my sister to peices... but I almost feel like I'm imposing on her, and I feel like I don't really have anything to do here. I can't really start looking for jobs until we know where we're going to live, I left most of my entertainment at home because there simply wasn't room for it, and my turns at the computer aren't often since there are often three people around. (Although, in all truth I've learned that a person can only spend so much time online before getting bored. Especially when everyone else isn't online.)

It's really weird living with my sister. I mean, it's nice to spend time with her- but she does have a boy in her life who she spends a lot of time with... and seing her in a relationship makes me miss being in relationships. Being an outsider watching her be so involved with someone- I'm happy for her. But it does make me feel a bit lonely. Although, I have a feeling I'd feel that way anyway.

Right now, Kat has stolen my spot to sleep, Louie is taking over the couch, and Mike is in the other room. I am left with a blanket. *sigh* I know I probably should wake Kat up or something, and convince her to move, but it feels like it would be wasted energy. Why not just stay up all night, and waste the time away so that I don't have to wake up tomorrow? Why do I bother even waking up?

This is crap. Getting back into the state of mind of trying to findout why things are worthwile is no good to me- it puts me in bad moods, and kills the little modivation I do find.

Of course, everything seems like crap right now. I'm off on the wrong side of the country, trying to get to know a sister who has a life and friends of her own, without a job or friends of my own, and without any place to run to for solitude. I can't go home- it's phsyically impossible, and even if I were to get a way there, all my stuff would be left behind. Besides, it'd just be running away again.

Why do I always end up feeling like I'm running from my problems? Shit. I want to connect it all to Jeremy. Say it's all his fault because he's the one who didn't wait for me to settle down, but that's a load of crap also. I've been running since I discovered how harsh the world can be- and even though I know running just makes it worse, it's so much easier to not face up to anything than to just sit still and face the toils of living my life.

I cried today again. Kat was trying to convince me that I should talk to people at SU, and make it absolutely clear to myself that that's not the place for me, so that next year I don't look back with questions. I'm so stressed out over this whole issue. I'm not fucking going to fit in anywhere I go- I'm so quiet that I always end up on the outside anyway, and the few people who notice only care for so fucking long before they also dissapear. I have *friends* that I love to death who are always here for me, but I need something more than they can offer- I feel it in my veins.

I know that I'm not forgotten about here. The whole reason my sister fell asleep on my bed was because she was trying to make sure she wasn't forgetting me. And I know I'm not forgotten about at home, because I have friends who have been keeping in touch with me- and more friends I need to get a hold of because they were planning visits. But sometimes I wonder. What does that matter- not being forgotten about? I need them, I need their love and for them to remember I'm here. But I also need someone- just one person who will understand.

It's been a long time since it's felt like anyone has really understood.