So, for anyone who is curious, here is my letter from yesterday, along with random journaling I was doing today.

(from yesterday)
Jeremy, [June 11, 2003]

I need to write a letter to someone, but I am at a loss of who to share these feelings with. I can't even blog these, because there is too much love and pain involved with the people here, and I don't want to hurt anyone again.

Is it inevitable? This end that we all find ourselves at? I'd like to look back at us and pretend that if I had just been stronger, more open, or a little bit braver we would've lasted. But, that would've made me a different person; and besides, that wasn't the only thing wrong.

Is love worth believing in anymore? I loved you. So I must conclude that indeed love does exist. Yet, our love was not strong enough to pull us through, so maybe there was something else to be learned.

People stumble; We all lose direction once in a while. Sometimes so much emotion is involved that we are blinded from the truth. Love hurts most when we are blinded; But is being blinded inevitable?

Why do I still turn to you when I'm scared, or lonely? Why do I still call your name in my dreams? Forever, as I watch the relationships of those I most love crumble, I think of you. I think of the pain that we shared, the sacrifices we made, the ends that we found, and the beginnings we started when we got sick of falling.

I write to you still because still, you are closest to my heart. You and I are lost, and you are finding your way. I thought I saw mine, maybe I did. But this world pulls me away from it.

I don't want anyone to hurt like we hurt. I don't want to see them torn and broken because of the blinded truths they fail to see. It tears me apart inside to witness the pain that my sister, and good friends feel. But no matter what, that pain is real.

I can't blind myself from the pain, and even now as I try to escape to when I was most happy- it occurs to me that I am blinded too. Happiness is what we make of it. Hurt is always real...

And love? Love doesn't really exist anymore. Not in this life.

-Mary

I know I was thinking straight last night when I wrote that, but I also know a lot of it isn't rational. Here's what was from today:

"If you wait for me, then I'll come for you. Although I've tried... I always hold a place for you in my heart." -Tracy Chapman
I feel so at peace today. Different than last night, because I know that it doesn't matter. I can search again for love- fail or succeed I can always come back to giddy feelings and childish dreams. As long as I have my dreams, I have hope.

I've tried to convince myself I was at the end of my rope, but always there are oppertunitys. I don't need a guy right now, so if I do or don't find the next wrong guy- or heaven forbid, the right guy- there is always more to live for. I can wait. And I can be happy.

I've gotten back up again... and the people I love who are hurting right now, they will find their direction again too. Without pain, there is no joy. And with time, all feelings pass.