"Time, why you punish me?
Like a wave bashing into the shore
You wash away my dreams.
Time, why you walk away?
Like a friend with somewhere to go
You left me crying
Can you teach me about tommorrow
And all the pain and sorrow
Running free?
Cause tomorrow's just another day
And I don't believe in time
Time, I don't understand...." -Hootie and the Blowfish


This morning, I woke up, and I feel like everything is okay again. Except now that I've been up for half an hour, suddenly I'm crying the unshed tears of last night. Which is good- I really need to just get them out of my system. But in all truth, I can't remember what I'm crying for.

You know, when we grow up as children, even if things go wrong... there's always some sense of security in the world until we are forced to grow up. Some people, when they lose that sense of security for the first time find it in other places, while other people just try to comprehend what happened to change things so drastically. Back through my highschool years, the only time I ever remember fitting in and being genuinly happy for more than a few days at a time was when I was dating Jeremy. My whole world changed to revolve with him in it, and I wasn't so alone.

I'm not saying I miss Jer and I need him in my life again. The oppertunity has presented itself multiple times for us to at least work on a friendship since things went so badly... and each time he has been the one to turn and walk away. What I'm saying is more of this- after the innocence of life was gone for me, there is only one time I can remember being really happy. And, put Jer to the side, and I'm not sure anything else added to my happiness.

I know there has got to be something, beyond love, that will let me get up each morning without questioning my existance. And, with all my heart I believe I can make home into anywhere I live, if I put my all into it.

What I don't know is this- do people ever really feel like they belong anywhere? Will it suddenly occur to me someday that I belong where I am? Or, if not that, then will it really stop mattering so much someday?

I can't count on finding someone to fall in love with again, because as much as I wish it would happen it's beyond my control. But I can force msyelf to get to know my sister's friends, and from her friends meet other friends, until finally I have my own life here too- one that I can be happy in, because I have the abusive love of my sister that I lacked at Coe :). It's not going to be easy. But sitting here at night waiting for the tears to fall is only so much easier- and definatly not worth it anymore.

Something is going to change.