I feel as though my blog has been neglected over the past few weeks... One entry every few days is unheard of for me. How are my thoughts getting cleared up, and how do I know if the people who care are able to keep tabs on my life?

You know, it doesn't matter. My blog is here waiting me when I need it, and the time I do have for it I spend. But the people who care- they'll keep in touch even if my blog stops existing. And, my thoughts- although they mean the world to me- don't have to be cleared up on a screen where everyone can see and try to understand why and who I am.

I've had a lot on my mind the past few days. I'm trying really hard to figure out where to be this fall- in all truth, I don't want to leave this place. I say that a lot... but it's because I mean it with all my heart. Sure, I'm still lonely here- lonely for that boy who will someday keep me warm on nights when my heart is close to freezing over. But I'm happy here. I had forgotten what it felt like to be happy.

I'm so scared that whatever I do, I'm making the wrong decision. All the people I'm leaving behind will really become more memory than reality, and no matter what I do there were always other choices. I need to figure out what will make me happy. And, if going back to Coe isn't what will make me happy, is it worth risking the rest of my life over a job that I might possibly have or not have in 20 years?

I'd always believed it wasn't about money. And I never wanted it to be about having a job because I felt like I was forced into it. But I don't know if I can go down this road- this dark path which doesn't clearly lead anywhere- without looking back. When it all comes down to the end, I need security, and I need to know that I'm going to be alright.

I'm the only one who can really look out for me.

Is happiness now worth the risk?