"You've got such a pretty smile. It's a shame the things you hide behind it. Let 'um go give it up for a while... Let 'um free and we will both go find it.

I know there's no where you can hide it. I know the feeling of alone. I know that you do not feel invited, But come back, come back in from the cold." -Jade


Yesterday felt really good to start out with. I woke up and was in a pretty good mood, and Kat woke up and called from her friends house, and a group of us all went to breakfast together. It was really fun, and I was really happy.

Somehow though, my mood at lunch started to drop, and by the time we were back at Kat's place, I just wasn't happy anymore.
Kat, not meaning to be mean, started talking about how she's really the one who lives here (she thinks of Laurie and I as just guests).... and I just broke.

It's weird. For the past two months, this place has felt more like home to me than anywhere has since I was dating Jeremy. I've actually felt like I belong here, and I've been really happy- or at least, happier than I've been anywhere else.

Kat- she's tried so hard, and given me so much. I've been invading her space, using her things, eating her food....

I guess it just occured to me yesterday that this isn't reality. I'm here, but this isn't home either- and that hits hard and close to the heart. I don't know if I'll ever really belong anywhere again.

I think I really hurt Alex's feelings yesterday... (Kat's Alex, that is) I was talking about how what I miss most right now is my place to call home, and my friends.

Sometimes it feels so much like I've got Kat's friends, and Laurie's friends, and none of "Mary's friends". Mostly, that's because all my friends are better friends with Laurie or Kat... and a lot of the time when Kat or Laur stress me out I don't feel like I can vent to any friends here because they're closer with Laur or Kat.

I was thinking about calling Kristin yesterday, because she tried to get a hold of me this past week... and that alone almost got me to cry. I miss her and Joy so much... I can't even register that I'm not going to have them this fall and this winter and spring, because I don't want to believe that I let them go.

So, I still really need to talk to Kristin, but am afraid to call- because I know I'm going to cry when I do talk to her.

I think I'm scared of crying now. All the stress building up in me could be released with a few tears, but I can't get through a week without a breakdown. And I don't want to be that way anymore.... it's really getting bad- last night, after I broke down in the afternoon, I was on the virdge of tears all night, and had a headache from holding it all back.

Last night, I forced myself to go to Zoe with Laurie and Jim. It's a christian gathering with hardcore music, and usually a preacher- although last night people shared their testimonys.

It broke my heart in a brand new way. I couldn't let myself get close to God, because that would've required a lot more tears and I was determined not to cry anymore. So, rather than focus, I pushed myself farther away from Him. And now I'm distant, and more alone than I ever have been before.

I never thought I would push God away, I never wanted to, and even now I still don't want to. But it's happening, and that scares the hell out of me. My whole world has been thrown of balance- and this can't be the sacrifice or the price to pay.

I just don't want to be alone anymore. I don't want to be lonely, and I want to have a place where I belong. I need a place to call my own, and a place to retreat to... I can't be a guest in the world forever, I need my own territory. I need a hug once in a while, and someone who knows when I'm hurting even when I don't wanna talk about it. I want someone who cares enough to take the time to make me smile before I start to cry, and someone who lets me be involved in their life and their problems. I need someone who cares...but I need so much more than that... I need someone who cares enough to act.

I need more than anyone in this world can offer me. I expect too much of people, and it always hurts me in the end.

I don't know where to go from here.

This morning I woke up, and the feelings from yesterday have faded quite a bit. And I feel a lot better. But it's only a matter of time before they resurface, and drive me to tears again.

*sigh*

*deep breath*

It's going to get better. I'm going to go home, visit everyone, love them, and spend a bit of time with them. And when I get back, I'm going to have my own space, school, and a few more new people in my life.

I can do this.