I don't like words like "die" and "dead". I've never really used them before, and now they seem too realistic. Long term. Permenant.

Jeremy was the first boy I ever fell in love with- and at this point in my life, he was the only boy. He's the only person I've ever really imagined myself growing old with, and he's the one I make everyone else try to live upto. So many times in my life, when I've been down, his face in my mind has brought me peace I never found elsewhere.

I'm so thankful we ended on good terms... There was so much pain between us- and I'm glad he was alright. I miss him so much.... I tried to sleep tonight already- but failed miserably. I was praying like I usually do, and started praying for him. I almost broke down in tears again.

There's so much I want to say, to clerify. So much that can't be put in to words, and more to type than I'll be able to handle getting out.

He was a part of my life, he held my heart in his hands. He gave me a necklace for my birthday the month that I broke things off with him. The heart on that chain quickly came to represent my own. And for almost a year after I wore it every day to proclaim silenty the love I felt for him. When I took it off, I let go of the hopes and dreams of ever getting him back in the way I wanted him. We ended up talking only twice in the past two years.

So vividly, images keep popping into my head. He gave me the biggest black eye I'll ever have- and it was all because I was flirting with him. Never will anyone else have a story like that. He used to show up at my door with a flower, or a donut... anything that would bring a smile to my face- because he felt like it. He didn't have to have good reasons; he just wanted to show he cared.

I was so angry at God after I realized he wasn't going to be a part of my life like that anymore- after I realized he wasn't the boy I would grow up to marry. I wanted so badly for it to be him- so many nights I prayed that we could work things out. Even now, he haunts my dreams. I forgave God though, and forgave myself. Jeremy never needed to be forgiven. He hurt me deeper than any other person has- but with just cause. In the end, I got what I deserved. And he... he still had my heart.

Some people think I confuse love with obsession. For a long time I wrote letters, and tried every way possible to get a hold of him. But, it wasn't just obsession, because I came to terms with his feelings, and I let him go. It's the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. I never wanted to let him go....

It's hard to believe he's really gone. I want to go home, go to Fazolis, and ask if Jeremy's working. I want him to come out from the kitchen, and try to shy away... the last time Laur and I were home we did that. He never called after he said he would. Even though that was the last time I saw him, heard his voice, and touched his heart in a way that made both of us shy away... it was on good terms.

The last time I really talked to him, he told me about how his life had fallen apart, and he was finally trying to put things back together. He'd been suicidal, and had said that when he thought about wanting to die- I was his only real friend. I don't tell people that- I havn't before now. Because, through all of life, he's the one who was close to my heart. He was the best friend I ever had, and my reason to wake up in the morning.

I don't want to wake up tomorrow morning. Soon, the reality of this will sink in- and I still don't want to believe it.

I love him.