*sigh* I'm sitting at the computer wishing I could be back at Coe with my friends. I feel like the step I took to not go back to Coe was a huge one- because even though I know I wasn't happy there, I think I took a lot of my friends and a lot of the safety and secruity I had with those friends for granted.

I don't know exactly what made me so unhappy at Coe. Looking back, I never really felt like I fit in... a lot of the time I felt like I couldn't relate to anyone. Even now, as I think about it- there are maybe three people I still really talk to, or who care enough about me to see how I'm doing once in a while.

I was never very good at making friends... but the ones I make I keep. It's hard for me to really talk to people- I'm open, and will tell anyone anything if they ask- which they don't usually. But I don't ask a lot of other people most of the time, because I always feel like I'd be invading them somehow. Once in a while I get brave enough to ask a question or two. When I'm lucky, people catch on and start talking a lot or asking questions back.

Right now, I have friends where I am. There's Mike, Kevin, Alex, Chris, Miles, Jim, Adam, Jason... but they don't give the same kinds of things that my friends from the midwest did. And, although I know at least a few of them would in a heartbeat- I feel like I still need to find someone else to fill the gaps.

I feel like I'm talking crazy right now... what's this crazy talk about gaps being filled anyway. What is it that I need so much?

Someone who understands me... to the point where we can comfort eachother without words, or physical action. *sigh* Someone who can sit next to me and not say anything, but still know what's bothering me.

It takes a lot of guts to make friends like that. You leave yourself so open to their pain, and you let them see so much of who you are. No one can hurt you like they can. But... no one can understand you like they can either.

I miss the idea of Jeremy. Everything that he used to be in my life... I want that again.

This loneliness isn't going to dissapear with another "good friend". But it can't get any further than that anyway, because I smother people.

So I'm stuck.