Every morning I wake up, I'm so cold. The days are progressivly turning from summer into fall, and the chill in the air grows a little dryer. Soon the leaves will start turning orange, red, and yellow, and going outside will be a treat. I hope the colors turn before I head back to Seattle.

I've been having some weird dreams lately- the kind that startle me awake, no matter what time it is. I think I've been waking up a minimum of two or three times a night... Although, now it doesn't bother me as much as it did when they started. What does it matter if I don't sleep through the night, or if I'm still a bit tired all day long?

Some days, I wish crying could fix things. I would curl up into a ball and cry and cry and cry until I had no more tears, my throat was red, and my eyes puffy. These days I find myself holding tears back at the most random occasions. For example, I watch a movie that's never really gotten me to cry before, and I can't stop biting back the tears. Also, I go to a potluck for Susie's band, which is at one of my old highschools. I sit in the cafeteria, and I hold my breath in incriments for as long as possible all night long because something is welling up inside of me. Yet, days like yesterday or the day before when we're watching movies that I know should make me cry, I feel nothing.

I feel so confused inside. Right now, I'm trying so hard to be brave- and I need to be. I'm really going back to Seattle, I really do have to find a stable group of people I feel I connect with enough to stay sane, I really should start pushing myself to be more outgoing.... yet at the same time, I just want to take a step back and watch everything pass me by.

Everyone at home is still sleeping. I'm happy that I get this morning, or at least the first hour to myself- the chaos of everyone being awake is good... but the quiet is so rare, and must be treasured. It's all I can dwell in to straighten out my thoughts in this place.