This is from 5:30 this morning, when blogger wasn't working......

I write this from the depths of my heart and desires. To anyone who reads this entry, I ask that you look upon it with an open mind and with a sympathetic heart. I fell in love for the first time when I was 17 and I treasure those days- more perhaps than I should, but less than they deserve to be treasured. Jeremy is and was my heart.


Jeremy,

Tonight I had the best dream I've ever had about you, until I realized you weren't real and I woke up. Laurie had talked to you, and even though we were both so scared, we decided to talk to eachother. We asked why things had gone so wrong- apparently Ben's dad had asked you what I had done that was so terrible that you had to walk away- and you said you couldn't remember but you would never pass me up again if you could help it.

The feelings of relief, joy, and utter happiness were so overwhelming that I had forgotten I had broken things off with you- I would've told you, explained that even in that deepest moment of pain it had always been my intention to come back to you. You were the only person I ever wanted, and you're the only person I ever imagined raising my children with.

I had just wanted to be in that moment for all of time. When I thought about you though, I knew you were dead. I screamed it at you- Jeremy! You're dead, this isn't real!- and like a ghost you vanished into thin air. I started crying harder than I ever have in my entire life, and ran to find Laurie- my heart was broken, I just wanted to die. I knew Laurie would be proud of me though, for finally facing reality.

Then I really woke up.

I'm not crying now, but I have a headache that feels to me like I've been holding back tears. I'm not going to fall asleep again tonight.

I'd give anything to live that dream forever, I've wanted it so badly for so long... I wish the price for living dreams wasn't so high though- because I'd always wake up empty handed. And, as wonderful as sleep can be, I'd always wake up.

Soon, I'm really going to realize you're gone in real life too, and Laurie's going to be hundreds of miles away.
Jeremy- I loved you then, and I love you now- but I need to be happy, and I need my heart back so I can live my life and learn how to love other people again. I can't run from everyone forever anymore, on account of hoping someday you'll realize the feelings I've saved for you alone...

These impossible dreams, they can't be my reality forever.

Always yours,
Mary


I imagine, after reading this some of my better friends will be offended. "why Laurie, why does she need Laurie and not me?" they'll think. But you shouldn't question things like that, because I need you too, but not in the same way. It doesn't mean I need you any less.

I also imagine that when I look back at this letter years down the road, real tears will come to my eyes.

I miss him so much... as many times as I've said it over the past month, I still mean it with all my heart. And now, I sit awake wishing I had someone else to talk to, but not wanting to wake any of my friends or family up.

I really am facing him down alone. I'm still just not ready to give him up though.


May 19, 2001

Jeremy-

I wish I could tell you exactly how I feel, but no matter what I say, it won't sound exactly right.

I realize what I did, by making the first move towards being "just friends", and I respect your decision to keep
things as they are. I just wonder what we gave up on?

It's no secret to anyone who's spent time with both of us that I have my happiest moments by your side. It's also not a secret that I worry way too much, and think too far into the future. I've had so many bad experiences that until us, guys always led me to my downfall. I don't want to think like that anymore, especially when it comes to you and me. I only want to think of the here and now- the future will work itself out.

This past year has been one of the best I'll ever have, and although I'd like to take all the credit for finding my happiness, I owe it all to you. I've actually been dealing with my emotions, and I've overcome my worst fears- for the most part.

We've both changed a great deal since February- so much I think it's almost impossible to imagine. I think back to the way we were, and I cannot help but apologize- for being so selfish.

I expected you to be no less than my everything, with powers so great you could read my mind. I guess I wanted you to be more than human. I never thought I would hurt you so much, but I did.

I imagine you still as being a big part of my life. And, although w try to push eachother away, I hope that someday you will be the biggest part of my life, or, at least my best friend. Do people still get second chances? Will I ever get mine?

I have a calmness about me right now- the kind that can only come from knowing things will be okay. Maybe it's just my dreams keeping me believing, but I'm not letting go of you quite yet. I think we still have more to go.

"Now I'm feeling all the things I put him through, if he coudln’t sleep maybe we could make up. But I just can't seem to wake him up this time. Oh no, if he couldn't sleep, I know he'd tell himself that he might need a little time to stop his heart from bleeding so, like me. But I guess he's doing fine.... I wonder if he knows he's on my mind." -Blessid Union

My mistakes always seem to lead me down the wrong paths, and with so many mistakes, it's hard to find the right path. But I have. All I can hope for now is that our paths will overlap again.

Love always,
Mary