This is from earlier today. I've been posting a lot more on TOD recently than I used to, and I've been feeling a bit more concious about posting on blogger. I think maybe it's because it has recently occured to me that a lot more people actually read my blog than I used to think actually did.... but I'm determined not to let that get in the way of my posting- so against my better judgment, I share this blog with the world.

Jeremy,
I read through the memories of a stranger, and I want to live through her live, breath her dreams, and understand love the way she feels it.

As the days drag by, I still think of you a lot. Maybe I'm done dealing with your death. Perhaps I said my hardest goodbyes when we broke, over two years ago, and your being gone now is just the final closure.

The memories stay though. Once in a while, one of them is so strong that I force myself to open up that little black leatherbound journal. But most of the time I stay away from it. It makes things feel so final.

I'm going to be leaving soon. There's going to be a lot of time to think through everything before then though- to remember everything over and over again. And wonder why I ended up alone. And, although there is too much time for me to regret our pain, wish for your life, and relive all our moments... there is not enough time before I leave and try to start over again.

In church, this Sunday, my pastor tried to give me comfort by telling me that even when things get hard God is guiding my life. And sometimes I just have to let go and trust in Him. But I feel scared- like I havn't felt which direction God wants me to take. Even more true, I'm scared that perhaps I've been forcing myself not to listen.

Jeremy, I'm scared for all the dreams I still have left in me. It tears me apart to know that I still crave love, and someone to hold me and grow old with me in their arms. That was supposed to be you. How can I just toss that aside and move on? How can I possibly love and respect and yearn for the memory of you if I start living again?

People say it's okay to hurt. It's okay to cry. Don't be afraid to cry, Mary. You need to deal with this, and let the emotions out if they come.

But I don't think they understand. I don't think they know that I can't just let you go. I don't want to lose you.

I want you to be here. And alive.
I would give anything for one more day with you.
I would give a million years if we could've followed that path that would've let us end up together.
I would give my entire life if I could've been in that car with you.....

These are the secrets I hold within me. The secrets I don't tell anyone. I wish I had died with you, and that I had been the last thought on your mind, and that you never would've broken your promise.

Don't you get it?


You said you would never leave.