11-04-03 8:06am

This morning I woke up dreaming of Jeremy. It was a much more emotionally straining dream than dreams usually are for me... yet, I still can't find the tears outside of my dreams that I need to cry to release this tension building up inside of me.

I would give anything for one more day with him, and my heart knows and reminds me of it often.

This time, the dream started out pleasent again- I knew Jeremy was dead, but he came back to life and found me. He held me, and I was so overjoyed. We went to his house, and started eating while his brother left the kitchen. I knew that moment that I wanted nothing more for the rest of my life than to be with him. I knew I would never move on.

Then, the dream progressed. My grandma Jenni asked me to watch Jeremy's grave for her, and keep fresh flowers on it- she was going on vacation. When I got frustrated and told her I hadn't been brave enough to find out where his grave was, she handed me a magazine with the adress in an article inside. I went and found yellow daisys. For him.

Next, I was outside the fence of my backyard, looking in. Jeremy's brother, Tim and Ben were all there, mourning Jeremy. They were walking in and out of the backyard, but they saw me and knew I was mourning. I fell to the ground in tears, curled up in a ball, the movement of my tears being the only movement I could manage.

The grass I was curled up on turned into his grave, complete with yellow daisys. I cried, and cried, and cried...

Then I woke up.

My heart aches for him. It's been probably a month since I've had a dream of him, and this one felt like it had to mean so much. But what can dreams like this mean anyway?

I know there's another guy in my life right now I'm starting to have affection for. If these dreams have come on that behalf, I don't know how to react to them. Certainly I can't live my whole life mourning the loss of my Jeremy. Can I go through my whole life battling this ache in my heart- of wanting to learn how to love again, but not wanting to let him go?

I'm so cold right now. And awake. And not sure what to do with myself. Or what any of this could mean.

“All the times that I’ve cried, all this wasted; it’s all inside. And I feel all this pain, stuffed it down. It’s back again. And I lie here in bed all alone. I can’t mend. And I feel that tomorrow will be ok.
I’m on the outside, I’m looking in. I can see through you, see your true colors…” –Stained

God, I miss him.