People ask me how I am today. And, although I try, if I give a truthful answer, all I can say is 'O.K.' Sure, it's not necessarily a bad answer. But it's also not an answer filled with positive energy.

I think whatever extra exitement I had for my classes at the beginning of yesterday morning has deminished. I still like my class- but I've really been thinking about everything a lot more. Yesterday was a day that went badly enough to make me question if I am in the right area of study. Although I was able to handle the situation, I'm not convinced I handled it well- and although I am learning how to deal better with the people in the world around me, I'm not sure I'm ever going to be at a level where I feel comfortable working with them in an area that requires everyone to trust eachother and get a long, and respect eachother.

I think there are only a few people in my life who really understand how I react in situations around people I feel uncomfortable around. Infact, the people who actually understand this side of my life can be counted on one hand. Although I'm not meaning to look at this negatively- I'm just not sure I can adquetly explain my side of things this time around.

In strange groups of people- I generally don't say much of anything. I'm certainly not assertive in any sense, and in the off chance that I decide I have an opinion that should be heard, I'm not very loud about whatever I have to say. It's not that I don't believe I have the right to be heard- it's just that it takes a lot to say anything at all. I can't comprehend what kind of energy it would take for me to force myself to be a loud person in such a situation. In short, I'm soft spoken. Timid. If you will: passive aggressive, or maybe even just passive.

It's so frustrating. Looking at things, and knowing they could be better if only I acted this way or that- I'm not blind to the world. If I were louder, or more outgoing, I would be happier in almost anything I did. But I can't change it, it's not a part of my nature. I feel so helpless in this respect.

So, I ask myself, why am I really here? I could be in Iowa, with some of my best friends in the world- but I chose to leave them behind in the midst of my dream chasing. And, I could be in Minnesota- at a school perhaps that doesn't hold the same sort of excitement for me, but one that would have allowed for me to be closer to my parents, little sister, and friends from home. But they also were left behind.

I wanted to dance. Last night I was so frustrated with everything else that dancing really was my outlet- I didn't care enough by that point in time what people were going to think of me, so I started asking a lot of people to dance, and actually had a really great time. Probably the best time I've had since I've been back.

And, I wanted to be around my older sister, and my friends from Seattle. I decided I wasn't strong enough to leave so soon. I've been spending a lot of time with Kat and Alex recently- not to mention a few nights with Jonathan. And, if you pull aside all my stress and frustration, my time with them has been really awesome.

I'm not sorry I came. I know God has a plan for my life right now, even though I can't see it anymore. And, I can believe it because He's given me such wonderful people to fill my life when I need them. Sure, they aren't there for me always in the ways I long for- and they aren't attentive in the same ways as my friends back in the Midwest. But I need them none-the-less. They're the reasons I stayed. They're the reasons against my better judgment I'm going to get up tomorrow and go to class again, to see if maybe something will change- to see if I can find that little spark of excitement that seems to have gotten lost with my knife.