I have been doing a lot of thinking tonight; cleaning has a meditating effect on me and I find it to be one of the few ways I have of clearing my thoughts these days.

I think I have a hard time letting go of the past; I recall several friendships which have drifted off long ago which I still sometimes try to cling to, the love I hold for those still who have already died, the person I used to be in high school or the child I was growing up. I know that relationships change, and that I have to change with them if I want to hold onto them... but part of me never wants to admit things are different.

Country music pulls at pieces of my heart that should have been left behind years ago. It reminds me of how much I have always wanted to be loved by the people around me, of the struggles I have gone through to try proving I am worthy of other people's love. It reminds me of family and why I cherish mine like I do, and of the ways I hope to raise my child so he can know how much love there is in the world to grasp. It reminds me of things in life that I wish had not changed, and how much I have grown as a person because those things did change.

How many friends do I not keep in touch with now? And how much of that failure in communication and keeping in touch is on my shoulders?

Do I push people away when I sense they are leaving, because I am scared of feeling hurt when they are gone? Or do I pretend I don't miss them, because trying to keep in touch with them makes me miss them so much more than just letting them go does?

I want those friendships. I want the ones I have now to stay with me forever... but I know deep down that history repeats itself. My personal history repeats itself. And I know very well that the ones that are fading now will keep drifting, because I don't know how to anchor them down.

I want to be able to express myself through words better- like I was able to when I was in high school- like I did when I was feeling alone and depressed. Even when I don't feel such strong negative emotions, I want to be able to express myself. I want people to understand me, because part of me thinks that if I just keep opening myself up someone will see the potential I have and will want to keep in touch with me like I want to keep in touch with them.

At the same time, who even reads this silly blog anymore? Who is left out there to care who I am or what realizations I have had this evening?

Those who are close to me now are few and far between, but they are the few who have proven that distance is not a barrier for loving someone.

This is silly. I've run out of how to express myself and I'm going on and on with words that don't matter and aren't interesting anyway.