Down is the new up. Or at least, the current me. I am down. :-/

It's not the stress of the upcoming interview. It's not everything that's gone wrong this last week.

It's everything I'm missing.

I miss my husband while he's away working, sailing, commuting, and even while he's here but the baby is awake, or he is too exhausted to be interested in me, or I am too exhausted to be interested in him.

I miss my family, when they are not here, especially after I see them, and especially when I haven't seen them recently enough. I miss them when they don't call, and when they do. I miss them when they think about me and let me know, and more when they don't think to let me know they miss me too.

I miss my friends who aren't part of my life anymore. I miss my friends who are a part of my life but have so much distance that it is never constant, and hard to maintain. I miss my friends who I never see, but will fall right back on track with next time we meet up. I miss my friends who I never seem to relate with anymore even when I do see them, or I do relate for a few moments before realizing we're different people now and just don't connect in the same way. I miss my friends who will never think to miss me. I miss my friends who I will never see again.

I miss the moments in my life where I knew I was happy. I miss the moments in my life when I had reason to be sad. I miss feeling justified in my feelings. I never miss being so lost that I didn't know who I was, and I never miss not wanting to live.

I miss having someone, anyone, to talk to late at night when I am remembering things that make me wish I could cry. I miss blue-raspberry misty freezes. I miss thinking coherently, and feeling poetic.

I miss life before baby.

I am here, now. Thinking too hard about things that I can't change, and wouldn't dare to change if I could. And I am content, but lonely.

I'm tired of feeling alone.