Something in me is changing. I can feel it stirring, but I don't know what it is....

Next week I have a job interview. It would involve full time work, regular hours, benefits. It would involve freedom from my son, and more family time for my family. It would involve change.

I'm excited, but so very nervous. I have been waiting so long for this change, and for much of that time I was afraid of it. But now, I am ready.

Aside from the stress and excitement of the new job prospect, part of me is dealing with something unresolved. I'm not sure quite what I'm dealing with, or why now just happens to be the time... Maybe it is just something that goes hand in hand with change. It feels like I'm letting go of something I've been holding dear for a long time, but it is not an unwanted parting. It hurts a little, of course there is always a sting when giving up dreams close to your heart, but I know somewhere deep down that this is right.

___

I am almost afraid to write this here, where I know occasionally people I am close to will read, but this is my place to let my thoughts escape, so here it goes:

The last month I've been thinking a lot bout people I've lost again. I've been dwelling on the changes that happened since they've left, and coming to terms with the person I am as a result. I've been missing them, and wishing they were still here, and even visiting with them in my dreams every so often.

This reflection gets me thinking about people who are not gone in the same sense, but who have drifted out of my life anyhow.

How do we loose track so quickly of people who seem to mean so much? Why are some people better at keeping those relationships alive than others? What would have been different if I had kept other people close?

I love my family the way it is right now. I love my life. But I think my sister hit on a certain truth in her reflections this year; I am a natural mourner. And though it may be that I wouldn't change a thing, part of me is always going to miss those I've left behind, and those I've given up to the world.