Grief is triggered. And I feel alone.

Crying on my husband's shoulder for an hour, knowing he wants to comfort me, and I still feel alone.

I wish I could share this burden. I need to get it out of me, and talk through it with someone who understands. Someone who misses him the same why I miss him. Someone who knew him the way I knew him.

And there is no one.

Is this unreasonable? To want someone to understand?

He thinks I should look into counseling.

I think that grief takes it's own time, and course, and I am dealing with it the best I know how.

I just didn't realize that after almost 5 years, it could hit just as hard as it did the night I found out he died.

He died. He's dead now. He's gone, and not coming back. And all the dreams I had of us have drifted into nothing.

My dreams are new dreams now. Not the same, just like my life has changed.

But this weekend I realized; a bigger part of me died with him than I ever could have known.

Oh Alex, I love you. I love you with my whole heart. I love you with all the heart I have left to love with.

And I am scared it's not enough, because it is not whole, and I still miss him when I should just be enjoying and loving you.

I thought I'd found a balance.

I was wrong.