Yesterday I had a huge meltdown. The kind where I can't stop crying, and I have to remind myself how to breathe so I don't hyperventilate. The kind where I end up sitting on the floor shaking for half an hour because my emotions have been stretched so tight that they momentarily snapped. The kind where I walk away with a headache that lasts through the following day, and dehydration to boot.

And now I feel silly, becuase I don't understand why I get so stressed out. It was just over a stupid job. A job that I don't think I would get, even if I took the interview, but none the less a possible job with a guarunteed interview...

Everyone seems to think I should just go for it. What's the biggest thing that can go wrong? I already know I'm probably not going to get it, and it would be a very good experience.

It's just... the idea of setting myself up for dissapointment... knowing that even if I make everyone else proud and going I'm still letting myself down by either getting the job and leaving behind all the time I have right now with my son, or not getting the job (like I probably wouldn't anyway) and having one more reason floating around in the back of my head for why I'm not good enough....

Maybe my husband is right. Maybe it is a confidence issue. Where is all the confidence I'm supposed to have in myself? If I've found it in this life, it's been fleeting (at best), and comes and goes as it pleases....

I just don't know if I'm cut out for this. And now I feel guilty either way.