I've been crying again today. Here's why:

This morning, after I woke up and started going about my day, I also went about checking my e-mail, as it is part of my morning routine. The e-mails people have sent to Coe's campus amaze and scare me. It's real now. In less than two days, our country will be making a decision to send our soldiers off to war.

This makes me think- what does this mean to me?
I wish I were too small to understand. And I wish I didn't have to know what kinds of things could really happen. Partly because it's so horrible- the things people do to eachother, but mostly because it's personal.

My older brother, the person I've most looked up to since I can remember, is off in Kuwait right now. His troops at this very moment are probably fearing what will happen to them, and the actions they'll have to take. And he... he is over there knowing that whatever happens to him, he still has people to come home to who love him and support him and want his safety more than words could ever say.

I guess the reason I look up to Leroy so much is because he's my older brother. He's looked out for me the way older siblings do for the younger siblings they love so much. We've talked about school and work, we've shared a few fears and concerns with eachother... like all my siblings, we share a love that seems to be uncommon in this generation.
There are other reasons too.... he's strong, and funny. He has given his heart to the girl of his dreams, and he knows ways to show her he cares, that I only imagine someone will do for me someday. He's brave- brave enough that he joined the Reserves, and brave enough to leave and fight a war that no body is really sure of. He lets me drive his car
when he knows I might kill the clutch, or break some even more important item in it.
I guess, to sum it up, he's everthing a big brother should be. And I respect that.

Which makes me wonder... If he's supporting this war, why is my heart still hoping for peace? Selfish reasons... I want him to come home. I don't want him to change. And I worry about how this war affects him.

So, in all the e-mails today, that speak of fasting until 8:00 tomorrow night when the decision is officialy made to send the country to war, and lighting up windows as a symbol of peace and hope, and just in general to support our troups... I feel as if a part of me really has been lost.

I won't fast, mainly because I feel so sick to my stomach right now that I know I could use the nourisment. But I will pray. I will light up my window.
And, I will wait for Leroy's safe return home.