Against my better judgement, I'm writing tonight. Not because I'm curious about who reads this, but because it's the only way to clear up my thoughts.
I was on such an energy high after playing frisbee today.. so much fun, so active, and around people who didn't really care if I caught it or dropped it or did a flip.
My energy stayed high through wrestling with a friend (who is stronger than me, and I don't have a chance of winning against any time soon), but now it's dropping.
Except, it's not so much my energy that's dropping. It's my mood.
I feel dangerously close to that edge again- that edge that makes me cry when I know I don't need to. That edge that makes me wonder who really cares- when I know lots of people do. That edge that sucks away my rationality, and leaves me with guessing games; wanting to know why things are the way they are, and why they didn't go the way I planned.
Nothing has gone seriously wrong in my life lately. It's all old news- considering transferring, my brother being in Iraq, having only two months of school left... Yet, I find myself sad.
I was talking to Alex earlier tonight, and it occured to me that having a room mate is hard. I have to spend all my time around her, and when we get annoyed with eachother we can't fight about it, because we still have to be in the same room the next day, and the next day, and the next day. If I ever get married, it would take a pretty special guy to keep me wanting to stay. Even one day is longer than anyone would guess. But endless day after day, what a commitment.
I tell myself I want that. That falling in love, and being happily married is my goal. That's asking too much though. If I can't deal with a roommate, without getting edgy, how will I ever live with the same person for years?
Anyway, it's just another bit of reality to put me in perspective. Someday I want to get married. Not anytime soon. There's so much time.

So why does it feel like there should be someone there? Why does it always feel like there's something missing?

This past week, when I was home for spring break, Kare and I stopped by the place I heard Jer was working at, with the hopes of running into him. He wasn't there (a relief and a dissapointment at the same time), but he does still work there (which means he's at least still alive).
He's the reason I feel an empty space. He's the one who stole my heart and taught it how to love. He's the one who walked away without looking back.

We're different people now. Every day that passes, we change a little bit. I still miss Jeremy, and pray for him every night. But I've accepted he's not the one, I've forgiven all the pain he caused me (and the pain I caused him, and myself), and I've been moving on.
It's harder to sleep at night though, after you've lost someone that close to you. We knew eachother so well, knew all the places to make it hurt, and all the things that mattered. Yet we didn't know how to fix things, and all the crying we both did didn't make a difference. Out of everyone in my life, he's the one I let get closest, he's the one I let matter more than anyone else. He's the one who used everything I feared against me, said all the words I feared were true, and showed me that hate isn't imaginary.

I'm cautious now. Second guessing motives (when I don't really know what other people are thinking... it's bad habit), sharing all of myself without actually getting very attatched, and more shy than ever. Of course, I suppose everyone is cautious after they really experience their first big fall.
That was three years ago, yet the caution stays. I long for people, but I don't take the initiative. That's dangerous.
I'm not sure what my point is. I'm tired of being dissapointed. I'm tired of wanting the impossible, and wishing on stars that don't shine. I'm tired of broken dreams, and shattered hopes. I'm tired of waiting for other people to give in. And I'm tired of being tired of being tired.
How do I stop?