Once upon a time, there was a young princess. Beautiful in her innocence, shy to the world, she was found. He became her world, her prince charming, the key to all her dreams. And they were happy together. As the princess grew, she began to see the world for what it was. She learned that he was not so happy, and she saw the pain she caused him. Thinking it would be better for her not to exist than to cause him pain, she dissapeared so she could learn how only to give him joy. When she returned to her valiant hero, she found that he had been so heartbroken from her dissapearance that he had become a different person. Alas, it was too late to change the damage that had been done, for the pain that had been shared was far too great to be mended.....

Well I don't want to see you waiting, I've already gone too far away. I still can't keep the day from ending. No more messed up reasons for me to stay... -Default

I've been sitting around this morning, still thinking of Jeremy and making up excuses for why I should just let this slide and get over it. But, in my world, "shoulds" are a dangerous game, and I don't want to play it.

It's okay to be hurt once in a while, and to feel like crying or being unhappy. Once in a while. But I can't continue to let these feelings rule my life. He is gone of his own choice, and our friendship has long since been forsaken. Yet, if he showed up tomorrow at my door, I would still embrace him and try to rekindle whatever could be spared of the good feelings we used to know for eachother.

Is that a problem? That I'm willing to admit we're lost, and that we've been hurt, and that I'll probably never see him again; but in a heartbeat I'd give up everything to be whatever he needs me to be for him?

A few days ago, I had told myself that whatever relationships I could have I didn't want if they weren't made of the kind of love that Jer and I had for eachother. But I realize now, that wouldn't be enough. He could walk away without turning around to hear my cries. He's been able to crush my world again and again without putting too much effort into it. He's used my deepest fears and insecurities against me, and has ultimately changed the type of person I have become.

I don't want to go through the petty small relationships anymore, that last 1/2 a year before I walk my seperate way. But, although it's no consolation, they're a hell of a lot easier than getting invovled with Jer ever was. And they hurt a great deal less. I couldn't handle another Jeremy- could not be crushed from the inside out again.

So, for a while at least, I'm throwing the idea of any relationships out. I'm taking a break from thinking about trying to find anything or anyone, and I'm going to figure out how to be happy. A long time ago, I believed that was possible. Now I'm going to find out why.

.... The princess never gave up on her prince charming. She tried to be the person she had learned how to be, but it was never enough. The hero she had once known was gone. All that was in his place was a stranger. Heartbroken, but seeing a familiar face, the princess tried to get the stranger to know and love the person she had become. When he saw that she was trying to follow him, he threw insults at her until she believed she was no longer a princess anymore. The newly transformed girl took some time to learn how to love herself, but now she was damaged. Never again would a fairy tale rule her life, for she too had changed. From then on, she searched for that which she wasn't sure if she believed in; her happily ever after.