Kristin left for class about half an hour ago, and I finally have the room to myself again. It strikes me odd, that as much as I long to be around people, I need a few moments to myself everyday- free of her stories of home and worries about school. Away from her joyful singing with the songs playing on the CD player. I love her dearly, but I have so much trouble relating to her. Last night we made a connection, and talked for a bit about breakdowns- although even that for her is centered around school and having too much to do at one time.

On the radio, a new song by three doors down has been playing, called "The Road I'm On". The lyrics seem to sum up a lot of what I've been feeling lately.

"She said life's a lot to think about sometimes when you're living in between the lines. And all of the stars, they sparkle and shine every day. He said life's so hard to move in sometimes when it feels like I'm towin' the line. And no one even cares to ask me why I feel this way. He said life's a lot to think about sometimes when you keep it all between the lines. Of everything I want and I want to find one of these days.
And I know you feel helpless now and I know you feel alone. Hold on. That's the same road, the same road that I'm on. What you thought was real in life has somehow steered you wrong. And now you just keep drivin', tryin' to find out where you belong."

I know I'm not really alone. I may not have anyone here right now to fill the space I need filled- the good friend who will listen and cry with me, who will share their life and their fears, and who will still accept me. But I have had that- I've just grown apart from the people I shared it with. Plus, I do have good friends like that at home. They may be a thousand miles away, and our lives may be changing and we forget to ask about the little things- but there's a kind of love between us still that won't end.

Still, I feel alone and depressed a lot these days. It's hard to wake up morning after morning with hopes of something changing, when every day that passes most of everything seems to stay the same. I know I ought to go find some new people and get a change of sceenery so that everything doesn't build up quite so fast, but I want to be happy with the way things are. And, all the new people I find to hang out with also love hanging out with Kristin- so I never really get away.

I guess I have problems like that a lot. No mater what city I'm in or what group of friends I'm trying to spend time with, there's always some people who I end up seeing day after day, morning and night, and I never really get a break from them. And although they mean the world to me and the last thing I'd ever want to do is hurt them, I end up feeling as though I need a few moments without them in my life; but I can't tell them this, because I feel as though I don't have the right to need places where I can go without the same people all the time. In all truth though, if I could have two groups of friends of whom I both loved dearly, I would take them so that I could hang out with each group at different times, and not feel so stuck in my rut that I'm living.

This weekend Kristin is making the drive to Omaha to see X2 with her sister and some old friends. I've been waiting for X2 to come out since before many people knew there was going to be a first movie about X-men. But, I'm not going with her to see it, and I sure don't have the money to see it here. It's just- I so need some time away from her that I'm happier staying in the dorm isolated and by myself.

Summer is only three weeks away. In one month, I'll be living in Washington with my sister, getting to experience life like I never have before. I am so thankful for that. I'll get my chance to get away and settle down somewhere else. But I'm scared too. A lot can change in three weeks. And, I'm getting to the point again where I'm building up a kind of energy that will win over my subconciousness, and turn me into a crazy bold spurr of the moment person, which means I might do something unexpected like talking to someone new. Which means I could get close to someone here, and really feel tied down again. I'm not sure that's what I want- rather, I want an easy escape route. I don't want ties anywhere to hold me down when I decide where to live next year.

I'm going to stop worrying about that right now though. The future is a long way away, and I still need to get through today. Without flipping out at Kristin when she walks in the door next time, because she's humming a happy tune. It's not her fault my heart has been sinking. She's been trying so hard over the last few days to keep me happy- I just havn't been responding as much as I should. Yesterday, we got good food and invited fun people over- and I was all excited until everything had been happening for about ten minutes. Then the "i dont' feel like eating or being around people, or doing anything with anyone ever again" mood kicked in. And I didn't know how to scare it off- I wanted to want to have fun with those people, and enjoy the day with Kristin. People are supposed to enjoy eachother.

So I'm going to work on my smile. And find a reason to be happy, so next time Kristin walks in that door I can be in a good mood with her.