Ugh.

Why am I not happy?

I’m sick of sitting in the same room everyday, waiting at my computer for someone exciting to get online to talk to. But I’m not motivated enough to find someone on campus to bond with, because I don’t want to get close to people here. With one month before the summer, I don’t want a strong connection with someone that would give me second thoughts about leaving.

Some of my “friends” are watching a romantic comedy. I can’t sit through them anymore with a sane mind. What is love anyway, and is it even real? What’s the point of even dreaming? So many times things don’t work out, and there are so many wrong people out there. Tomorrow, if I’m still alone, no one is going to notice anymore than they did today.

To hell with this self pity party though. It’s my own fault I’m still here. Still alone, and still without a good friend. I could act on my longing to be somewhere else, and I could leave. But I choose not to because I don’t know where I’d go. Back to waiting.


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Blogger wasn’t up earlier when I tried to post. Now, after following my friend out of the dorm so he could get pictures developed, I’m not feeling any better. It occurs to me that once in my life, almost 4 years ago to date, I made plans to change my life in one night- give up everything I had believed in, and forsake my morals to lose myself and let go of the world as I know it for one night.

Before I had good friends around to stop me before I hit the bottom. But what will stop me now? Probably my lack of motivation. I’m sick of the way things are, and the daily routines I follow. I need someone or something to hit me hard, because if the opportunity presented itself, I would give up everything in a night.

Over the past year, I’ve related to Jeremy more than I ever remembered before- I mean, I guess my first big fall I felt a lot of what he must’ve felt… but I had good friends around then. Now… now I’d willingly follow in his footsteps. Screw up my life and everything I have going for me- because I just don’t care.