Yay for blogging on my own computer! Here's a load of what I've been thinking over the past week or so.. (about 4 entrys that I couldn't post until today.)

06-16-03
I’m not anywhere with internet right now, and I’m not sure if I’ll post this or not, but I really should blog. I’ve had a few realizations in the past few days that have made me a much happier person.

I talked for a while with Ben last night. I think it was good for both of us, even if it wasn’t especially productive. We agreed that even now there are a few unresolved issues between us, and that we ended badly- even though it was a mutual agreement to end things. Lack of communication, I have decided, is the worst possible evil that any relationship has to endure.

Apparently, He felt smothered by my neediness. And, looking back, I can defiantly see how that was possible- when we were dating I really didn’t have other good friends, and didn’t have many other people to hang out with. Also, a lot of my insecurities about things not working out and about being so shy really bothered both of us. He decided to start not telling me things, which didn’t help my fears any… and by the time we realized something really needed to change, we were both far past the stages of being able to fix whatever had really gone wrong.

I think a lot of what went wrong with Ben and I- the lack of communication at the end, the smothering, and the fears that were building were also a lot of what went wrong between Jer and I.

I’m not sure why I get such a sense of goodness from knowing this- but I feel so much better about the world now. Maybe it’s because my deamons have been named, and now they can be faced, so if I ever do get in a relationship again, I’ll know what to look for.

Also, today I spent a great deal of the day hanging out with Kevin. Last night we slept in each other’s arms, and this morning after I woke up I wondered why I was so reluctant to do that with Ben.

I’ve had a kind of crush on Kevin since I met him. He’s a really sweet guy- outgoing, has some very unique world views. Plus, he’s a lot of fun to be around.

I guess even through all the years I’ve been able to think about what I believe, and why I believe it… it’s never really been tested before. No one has ever cared to ask why I am the way I am. Kevin, however, is very opposite from me- in a lot of aspects that most people I hang out with haven’t been. He doesn’t see commitment dating and getting married as something he’s interested in, and he doesn’t exactly see God like most people would.

I feel a lot braver around him now. Maybe I could start initiating conversation with him even. But, the best part about having gotten to spend some time with him is now- whichever direction this crush of mine takes, it’s not a big deal. We’re so different that we have so much we could share with each other. But now that he’s a person, and not just a cute guy, or someone to snuggle with, I can be happy with just friendship. I’m beginning to realize maybe that’s what I wanted all along anyway…. A friend like I’ve never had before- someone who challenges me and keeps me striving to be a better person.

He was showing me how to walk today, so that I’m centered. It’s a more aggressive, outgoing sort of walk, and I think it even has strut to it. It’s not something I ever would’ve been able to start doing on my own- but it’s going to be really good for me. Living in this big city, I’m going to need a bit of confidence to keep people from picking me out of crowds. Plus, it feels good to not be so submissive to everyone I walk past.

Anyway, I’m happy today. I’m learning so much about myself, and I really am changing because of that.

So, I guess thanks to the sweet boy who dated me long enough for me to smother him away, and thanks to the dazzling boy who makes me want to be something more than I already am.


06-16-03
Oh yeah, Kevin asked me today what I liked so much about this guy I had fallen in love with. I wasn’t able to give him a very good answer then, although I’ve been thinking about it a lot since.

I think what I loved so much about Jer was that we knew each other better than I’ve ever known anyone else. We were at a point where we didn’t have to ask when something was wrong, and we both had shed tears for eachother.
But there was more… he was always so much fun to be around. And, he was spontaneous. There wasn’t a day that went by that he didn’t do something that surprised me.

*sigh* :) Yep.
There was defiantly a lot worth loving.

And now, a lot worth reminiscing about, once in a while.

06-18-03

So, apparently I’m one nai’ve little chick, especially when it comes to sex. My parents never gave me a sex talk, and I am one of the few girls my age who learned everything I ever learned by being teased by my friends.

I’m not saying this is a bad thing. I mean, sure- it does leave me out of a few discussions (and don’t think for one minute, “Miss Kitty”, that the discussion from last night is the only one I’ve ever been on the outside of because of this… it was actually entertaining, and it was nice that I didn’t have to join in talking, but was still able to listen), but it also keeps me innocent, I guess.

There are so many different views people can have on sex, that I really am amazed now that I give it some serious thought. For one, lots of people don’t agree on what constitutes as sex, and what isn’t… there isn’t a set definition for where the line is drawn. Also, many people view sex as sacred, while many other people view it as pleasurably fun.

I know I’ve gotten into arguments with my friends about this before- and have had a few people stop talking to me because I don’t know as much about sex as other people- and because I have somewhat strong views, even though I am as oblivious to the topic as I am.

Anyway, I’m not sure exactly what my point is. I guess, it’s that after the past few days, I’ve been really questioning my morals, and how realistic my beliefs really are when it comes to sex. Why do I choose to wait for one person to have sex with, when I could have sex with multiple people and enjoy it from different perspectives throughout the rest of my life? Why is it so important to me that whenever I do take the next step in that direction, that I have only one partner?

With all my heart, I know I will hold out for the man I marry someday- if it ever happens. But I’m so tempted to just give in now, find a few people to really have fun with, and experience this foreign intimacy that people can spend hours talking about.

06-20-03

Do I still have a right be the innocent girl I started out as? It’s been a long road, and I havn’t exactly walked it alone. Years pass, and I drift a little bit further from the hopes I started with, because they seem a little less possible with every step I take.

Mr. Right might have existed in the Midwest- everything there is so much more familiar and innocent. But I don’t see how he can ever exist in Seattle… any guys here with an ounce of innocence only come with pounds of it- it doesn’t seem there is anyone inbetween.

I’m holding my ground as best I can, but I just keep moving closer to that line. I feel so inclined to just give in, give up, and to learn how to deal with a new kind of relationship much more intimate physically than mentally.

Does love really exist, and am I ever going to find it? I once thought I would wait forever to find that answer, but now I’m not so sure I could.

I am only human, and I hunger for that touch which I have not felt.

06-21-03

Last night Jer teased my dreams yet again. It was a deep sort of sleep, and I don’t always have dreams with it…. But I think as I was falling asleep I was trying to remember his face. As everything has been fading from what used to be, his face is something I’ve tried to hold on to- there were no pictures taken with us. But like all things, that too is just becoming a fading memory.

In my dream, it was not a happy sort of existence between us. I was visiting home, and he was dating my sister. I wanted to just talk to him- to straighten things out for good, but he wouldn’t even look at me. He’d avoid me, and I think I woke up before I found a good solution.

Sometimes dreams are comforting, but this one… I think it reflects how stressed out I’ve been lately- especially about guys. The only reason I even fell asleep last night was because I was so tired that there really were no other options. *sigh*