I should play catchup with some of the journal entrys I wrote while I was on the road, and get everyone upto date on exactly everything that went down, because our trip was quite an adventure. However, right now I'm not in the mood to type it all up.... so I'm going to blog for a bit normal, and then I'll post maybe two of the jounral entries that came about.

The feeling of getting really close to Rochester was weird. I've been so homesick, that there is really not another place I'd want to be right now (I mean, I miss Kat, but I'll be ready to go back to her in a few days. Home is needed at present). Sadly, I've been dreading being here....

Jeremy really did die. I got home, and was exploring on the computer... and found a saved scaned article of his obituary, complete with picture. :( He didn't look happy in the picture... it leaves me with so many questions.
Tomorrow I'm going to probably bring Laurie (although, that's debatable) to the place where Jer died. I need to show myself that he didn't just dissapear for a while again, and in some way I need to force closure upon myself. I don't want to let go of him, but as easy as it would be to go through the rest of my life pretending we just don't talk anymore, I need to live by the truth.

I'm still not okay... It's hard for me to take this all in. Sure, I kid around when I tell people I'm going to live forever- but in my heart I actually believed it. Jeremy was not only the best friend of my life thus far, but he's the first person really close to me who has died.

Not being immortal is a shock.

I guess.... I'm angry that he's dead. I know he wasn't the guy I was going to marry- but in my mind my kids were still his, and he was the one I was growing old with. I was waiting for someone else to come along and replace those dreams, but it hasn't happened yet. And I wasn't ready to let the former dreams go.

I'm angry that he died first. I didn't want to be the one left behind, and I have a sinking feeling I was keeping track of his life a lot closer than he was keeping track of mine. Although, when I say that I'm lying to myself. I only know of his death because I've got friends who are on the insides of these sorts of things.

I'm angry that everything I had with Jeremy was so good, and that anyone else who wants to be a serious part of my life has so much to measure upto. I'm angry that Jonathan scares me because he touches on that ground where we might actually get to know one eachother, instead of just hanging out once in a while. Because, as much as I tell myself he's good, I can't help but be scared of him. I cringe, and pull back now, becuase the turf we're covering is familiar, and I don't want to go there with anyone else. But at the same time, I really like and respect Jonathan, and feel like he deserves so much more from me.

Mostly, I'm angry that I'm not really angry at all. I'm frustrated, a bit lost, and still very confused.

Is my ranting tonight really about Jeremey?

I don't know anymore.

So much I want him back, but it feels like I'm just looking for another reason to cry or obsess about something that will hurt me more.

Is that normal?



Here are my entrys from today and yesterday.
08-18-03
I feel like I have no energy. I've been sleeping in the car for the greater amount of this trip though. I wonder if it's just because there's not much else to do, or if it's because I wore myself out this weekend.
I'm definatly not close to tears anymore, and I'm scared that its' because I'm done grieving. I would hate myself if thatw ere the case.... Although truth be told, I'm not sure I have any tears left in me right now anyway.
I really just want a day to listen to all my music that reminds me of him, and be lost in memory.....
How has his death changed me?
-
I feel bad for Jonathan, trying to be in my life now. I don't want him there, especially because we relate on a high level for the amount of time we've known eachother and it feels like he's on Jer's turf. It's not fair for him that when I look at him I feel like I'm a traitor- and I don't know how to change that.
I just want friends right now, friends that understand and aren't like Jeremy and don't push lines that remind me of Jeremy.
I just want Jeremy.
-
What if the only way for me to see my boy again is to rot in hell? I don't know where he went= I don't konw if he was Christian. But ohh..... I don't want him to be alone.
It's not worth it though, right? If that's how I were to be with him again someday?
This moment, it will pass. These fears will fade... my life is only a moment in time.
I should've died first.
God is here, I can feel Him. But.. it hurts so much. And God's real comfort won't come until I too have passed away.

08-19-03
Kat's right about me. I have a tendancy to go out of my way to make anyone happy but myself.
Because of this, I'm sitting in the backseat of Laur's car almost in tears. I want to be home, I want to grieve, and I want to see where Jeremy died- maybe that will make it real.
Jeremy's the only person who used to notice when I was about to say something, or when I was interrupted. I miss him so much. I love him, and I'm angry that he left me behind again.
I odn't want to be in this car with these people. I miss my friends who care about my feelings and worrys and heartaches as much as their own.
I'm tired of being a fucking second priority, and it bothers me that Laur is only going home for her braces.
I'm scared of going home tonight, scared of dealing with this on my own and hse's the only person alive who might have understood.
Usually I hate crying, but right now the salty tears running down my cheeks are my only comfort.
Jeremy's not around to care about me anymore. Will anyone ever care about me that much again?
I need to get my act together and quit crying.
Damn it.
Damn this.


Looking back at that, and everything I've written tonight, I feel I need to clarify. Right now, my thoughts are still pretty jumbled. :( Jonathan, if you read this, you should let me know what you think, and try not to get offended- that's the last thing on earth I want to do.
Most of my thoughts right now aren't even rational.
For example, I've been toying with the idea of geting into a similar car accident to Jeremy's to see if I could also die. But, it's nothing I would ever actually attempt. It's just a thought that crosses my mind now as a sick twisted way to deal with the pain.

Now I really feel stupid. For typing things like that.... I don't know why I let you guys in on the inner workings of my brain. I guess it's because once there was one person who made me feel like I really wasn't alone. I guess by letting you guys in, I hope in some way I can bless someone else with that same feeling.

Anyway, I'm tired. It's obvious that I'm not making incredible amounts of sense, and I'm hungry. Maybe I'll try to clarify my brain more tomorrow.

For now, adeu to all. I miss everyone in Seattle, and in Cedar Rapids, and I plan on calling Cedar Rapids tomorrow.
'night.