I'm feeling a bit down again. Today was pretty good.... I had a lot of fun at the picnic this afternoon. I'm not really sure though, why it is that I have this negative feeling swelling up.

It's almost like I'm disconnected from things. Everything I want is at my fingertips, but I'm not quite touching it anymore.

I don't know where my dreams go anymore. Seattle changed everything- I thought I wanted to find someone, settle down, grow old, and be happy. Now I'm scared- I don't want to slow down for anyone, I think I might want a career that I'd actually work at forever (vs. wanting to turn into a stay at home mom), and although I'm excited about a family, the last thing I want to do is settle down.

I've got friends on every side of me right now. But, now matter which way I fall, they can't catch me- they don't have that kind of power. I have to catch myself, I have to decide where I want to be and who I want to become.

I feel so dependent on people... like, if my sister weren't here, I wouldn't make it through the days. Or, in Iowa, I would be nowhere without Kristin. At home, it's my parents. And, although I could become capable of standing on my own... the idea scares me to death.

I think that's the biggest part of what's scaring me, and depressing me right now. I don't want to settle down, but I don't want to be alone either- and I don't know where the compramise is. I'm not sure I'll ever meet a guy that will be able to deal with my mood swings and restlessness. I know right now, there are guys that would be willing to try- I know of one great one. But I don't know how to deal with them myself. And they're not a burden I want to share.

*sigh*

I wish I knew what I wanted.