Jeremy,

It's 11:11. Only you would ever understand what that means, and only you would've thought of me because of it- if you ever thought of me at all.

That thought has been running through my head a lot these days. If I had died, would you have found out? How much would you have cared? It's too easy for me to look back on the past three years and say that you'd moved on so far that you never would have turned back again. And, I don't know exactly how much that hurts. All I do know is that I wish with all my heart I could believe it differently.

My recent obsession with you isn't new. It's just resurfaced. I think a part of me swore that I would never love anyone again if I couldn't have you- and while I tried to move on, I found happiness with other guys- but it really hasn't been the same. Did that part of me die with you? Will I ever be able to freely give my love to another person again?

I feel like I'm closer to being ready to let go of you. But I'm still so scared. I want you to be close to my heart forever- I want to think of you when I see the disclaimers trying to hide within commercials, and when I grab my can of Dr. Pepper. When the clock turns to it's certain time, and as the days pass, I want to imagine what you're doing, and how your life is going. How can I imagine you now?

Yesterday, I told Ky that I had my heart back. I'm not sure if it was true or not- today it feels like such a lie. How can I possibly have my heart back, when I gave it to you? You aren't around to hold it anymore.

Last night, and this morning I've been holding back tears again. Inside me I can feel that I have one last set of tears to cry for you. I can't hold them back forever though, just like I couldn't hold on to you forever. But for now, for these last few precious moments, you are mine. I belonged to you.


You left be with goodbye and open arms
A cut so deep I don't deserve
You were always invincible in my eyes
the only thing against us now is time

Could it be any harder to say goodbye and without you,
Could it be any harder to watch you go, to face what's true
If I only had one more day
I lie and blind myself with laughter
A quick fix of hope is what I'm needing
And how I wish that I could turn back the hours
But I know I just don't have the power

I'd jump at the chance
We'd drink and we'd dance
and I'd listen close to your every word,
As if it's your last, I know it's your last
Cause today, you're gone

Like sand on my feet,
The smell of sweet perfume
You stick to me forever
and I wish you didn't go
I wish you didn't go, I wish you didn't go away
To touch you again,
With life in your hands
It couldn't be any harder...harder... -The Calling


Facing reality like this is something I hope I don't have to do again for a long time, Jeremy Kranz. Although I'll always love my family and friends in Rochester, there really is nothing here for me anymore now that you're gone. But, there's also nothing to scare me away- your turf has lost a lot of it's edge.... and everything that I feared so much before doesn't really matter anymore. This time, when I turn around and head off, I really am going to leave you behind. I have a few more weeks to say my last goodbye.

I still miss you Jer. My nights are still restless, and you still have the majority of my thoughts.

I wish you didn't go. I wish we could've lasted forever.

Mary