10-15-03 4:18 PM

The questions I stopped asking:

I've had all of today free, to do whatever I want. No classes, no repsonsablities bearing down on my soul. Now that my computer is set up, I was able to throw together a list of music, and I've been sitting around reading, playing games, and zoning out.

I wrote a lot of letters today, and will hopefully finish writing my bundle full of them by Sunday. Against my better conscience, I'm writing to friends who havn't written or called me since I've been out in Seattle. Which makes me sad- in all honesty, because my phone number is still local for the majority of them.. and even if they havn't had my adress, I doubt they would've taken the time to sit down and write anyway.

This summer when I was in Seattle, my friend Ky only called twice. Both times were on account of telling me the news I'd been dreading to hear for years.

Right now, as I sit trying to read the lyrics of my background music are getting stuck in my head, and instead I'm really remeniscing. I want so badly to call Ky right now, and ask him if it was really real- his calling to tell me of Jeremy's death. Because as often as my friends talk to me, it really could have just been a dream.

Yet, I don't call Ky. I hold back, and instead try to ignore my silent pleas of finding Jeremy. I pretend to myself that it doesn't matter, and I stare more at the pages of blurred words.

What did his voice sound like? Oh, to hear him in my ear, "wake up Mary, wake up...." But he's not going to wake me up this time, because it wasn't a dream. He really is gone, and looking back just makes that more of a reality.

Sometimes, when I was younger, I ignored what was real because I didn't like it, or I didn't want to deal with it. So many years I played that game, and stopped feeling the bad parts of life- the expense was losing the good. I'd give anything to feel the good again right now.

Life is pretty good. I can honestly say that although I do admire the guys in my classes and have small moments of fantasy where I imagine what it would be like to date them for a few moments.... I'm not looking for anyone.

It's all about the looking. When you look, what you find isn't what you expect. Sometimes, you get lucky. You look because you have a friend of a friend who excites you. You start doing stupid things- like letting him borrow your car to rent movies, even though he's only one step away from being a complete stranger. You wait for his call on the phone, because it's so easy to talk to him and the hours seem to fly by when you hear his voice. You start trying to be with him every chance you get, because the days are so good. You smile for no apparent reasons at all, and you're happy.

No. None of this looking. Because when it's over, that's when you actually see what you had. Not before- you were too busy looking for what was right in front of your face.

Instead, appreciating is a much better option. Sure, everything you'd ever known to be good is gone. But life still goes on around you, and even if you're alone, you can still enjoy the days if you learn to appreciate them when they're there.

I'm awake now. I'm not looking. But oh, I miss him.