10-25-03 3:15pm

I feel horrible. :( I'm such a sap... I just gave away $35, because these girls stopped by my room looking for people to "earn points from". By the time I realized they had gotten me to sign to buy magazines, it was too late to completely back out, and now I'm out of cash. I didn't really have the cash to begin with. Why am I such a sap? Why are two overly friendly faces enough to haggle me out of the little savings I had? Why couldn't I just have said 'No Thanks'?

I miss home, I miss having good friends around to hang out with, and to keep me sane. I miss living in a place that's safe, and actually welcoming. I really want to go throw up all my fear, aggrivation, dissapointment, frustration, and incompetence. But I can't. I'm stuck with these feelings, and they're sinking.

I'm glad Alex is around. He really is a good friend, and I wouldn't be anywhere without him. I need him in my life- more than he need me probably. I hope he doesn't get sick of me.

*sigh*

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I was talking to Laur earlier today, which I figured out I really needed to do- she was one of the last people I called, but I'm so glad she's the one who answered. It was almost like God had everyone else busy just so that I could get a hold of her.

We started talking about guys, as usual, and she was trying to tell what exactly makes Chris different from all the other guys she's liked- because she really feels something different for him. Without putting much thought into what I was saying, I told her maybe she likes him so much because she's had to wait far too long for the sweet kind of guy she deserves- and Chris seems to be just that to her.

I don't know if I'm waiting for someone I deserve or not. I'm not really waiting for anyone or anything right now- although it occurs to me once in a while that I wouldn't mind having a guy in my life, I don't actually act on it much. And it's definatly not one of my top priorities.

Even if I were waiting, I'm not sure what kind of guy I'd deserve.

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When I went to Tacoma this week, Kevin and Miles were having a very in-depth conversation about jazz musicians, and music. Kevin is so much into Jazz, and dancing, and learning the music that I really am amazed. All my life, I've never had a burning passion that inspired me to learn everything I could. I don't think I've ever really given my all to anything. I wonder what it feels like.

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I'm extra frustrated now. After getting off my mind the few things I've actually been holding this week, I still don't feel any better. Infact, I feel pretty shitty. What was I thinking, giving away all that money? And, if I feel so much like I need comfort from one of my friends, why am I not calling them?

I hate how when I feel mopey, I want pity and sympathy. Even more, I dislike how I don't really want to stop feeling down. I'd be sad enough just drowning in self pity for a few weeks. Really, a good long cry might do me some good... but I don't even have tears for that.

I need to get out of this rut. I hope Alex calls soon. Because today I'm done seeking out my friends, even if I might need them. Instead, I'm going to indulge in this dissapointment. And wonder why they never seem to need me too.