10-21-03 11:07am

Dear Jeremy,
You know, life got hard so fast, and going through it without your hand to hold on to really makes things lonely. There are so many people in my life right now- people that I'd rather not have to see every day, people I love and care about deeply- and would do just about anything for, and people who I like, and want to know more.
None of them are you, and none of them are quite like me either. Sometimes, it's really hard for me to believe any of them could even begin to understand what living through each day feels like for me.
Lately, I've been really stressed out- and like usual, when I'm stressed out I long for that one friend who will listen and be sympathetic. But, I neglect to find that friend often enough- for none of my friends are constant enough in my life to look after me each day. And, I end up digging myself into a bit deeper of a depression.
It's been a good while since I cried last. I know that I've come very close several times- but I can't just let it all out through tears anymore. There's no place I can go that feels comfortable enough for me- no place that feels enough like my space. And, there isn't a set of arms that knows quite how much I need that comfort.
I want to go back Jer. Last night, I was at a dance- not because I particularly wanted to be there, but because I didn't want to be at my apartment. I don't feel safe here- not that I feel in danger, it's just- the space isn't mine. I thought to myself really hard- well, if I dont' want to be at a dance, where I have a better chance of smiling for a bit than almost anywhere else, where do I want to be? The only answer I could come up with was in your arms.
Damn it, Mary- wake up. Jer, you're not there anymore. You never will be again, and for so long you've been out of my life.
The hardest part about growing up right now, is that there are so many moments I'm living that I don't want to live in. If I could be anywhere, I'd live in the months we had together, but I know I can't be there so I force myself to focus on the here and now.
*sigh* Lonely. I hate that word- it comes up too often, and it makes me feel weak. Who should be lonely, with so many friends and people who care about them? Who possibly has the right to be lonely when any night of the week they can be surrounded by friends and family they love?
Me... I miss living with someone like Kristin, or Susie, or Laur- even Kat. I miss feining importance in someone's life. And I miss you.
-Still lost in your dreams,
Mary