10-28-03 9:12pm

There was so much pain there. I never deserved him... and looking back now, it's all to easy to remember how long it took to forgive him and myself for all the pain that we both caused eachother. Now I look from an outsider's point of view- the words are numb to me, when a few years back they were filled with enough emotion to break my heart. I'm sharing them now. It's time they were seen by more than the few eyes that have glanced upon them.

Here's starting with some of his earliest e-mails.
_________________________________________________
derp1472@hotmail.com wrote:
Hi it's me Jeremy I just thought that i would give you my e-mail address, so
then SOMEONE might e-mail me. Anyway talk to ya later.

_________________________________________________
derp1472@hotmail.com wrote:
i got really bored , because I'm waiting to talk to you. I missed you a
lot. It's okay if I go to church with you tommorrow. Mary i missed you so
much. i really want to see you soon. My car is getting fixed tommorrow,
so I can see you more often. Thats cool but anyway i was wondering if you
wanted to go to the 3 Doors Down concert on November 7th
with me. It would be fun. We could drive up there and have fun yeah. My
mom got me a big box of goldfish from Sams Club today. they rock. they're
really good. I miss you a lot Mary, I really want to talk to you or see
you sometime soon, like tommorrow or if your reading this at 12:00 today.
*Does the thing with my lips like a horse does except cooler* but anyway i
hope you get home soon. Does your brother still want a reason as to why i'm
dating you, if he is then ask him why he's dating his girlfriend. Haha, i
think i may have stopped him in his tracks, if i'm lucky. Anyway I miss
you, i know that i'vementioned that a lot but i really do. It's been really
boring without you around. it's just been all work. All work and no play
makes Jeremy a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jeremy a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jeremy a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jeremy a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jeremy a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jeremy a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jeremy a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jeremy a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jeremy a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jeremy a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jeremy a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jeremy a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jeremy a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jeremy a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jeremy a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jeremy a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jeremy a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jeremy a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jeremy a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jeremy a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jeremy a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jeremy a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jeremy a dull boy.



So anyway see what I mean. So yeah. I hope you had a safe trip back, I'd
hate to see anything bad happen to you.

Hope to talk to you soon.

Bye
(Big Hug) Jeremy

_________________________________________________

derp1472@hotmail.com wrote:
HI I did see you on my caller ID and I did try calling back back but after
about 3 rings I hung up cause I didn't want to wake your dad. Why was Susie
nervous? Anyway you did have a longer e-mail then I did.


Oh yeah it seems that Kyle is mad at me for some reason. Only God knows
what it really is. Cause I heard it from Andrew, anyways my day is going
pretty good so far and I guess that I'm not doing anyhting on Wednesday so I
guess that I'll be able to see you then :) and maybe I can get my knife back
:)

I didn't know that you had the And Justice For All CD that's so cool. so I
won't let you forget about it like I've forgotten about my CD so many times.
But thats another story in itself or maybe it isn't, it could just be that
I'm running out of things to say, maybe thats what it is or maybe not :)

Hopefully my car will get fixed today, at least that what I'm hoping for
anyway. So far I've had fun today cause we got to work in groups in Biology
and we each had a role to play and I was supposed to be a passive person, so
I just sat there and did nothing the whole hour, it was awesome. And then
in health class next hour we get to watch one more group do their skit and
then we get to watch ours over again, but yeah anyways. Oh yeah the score
on the Vikings game was 41-13. I'm only saying that cause I told you that
it was 46-13 and I was wrong so I wanted to clear that up. You know what I
haven't heard in it's entirerty in a long time, a Dr. Dre song hehe :) I
was just thinking about last night when it came on the radio and your
reaction to my reaction and now I'm starting to laugh.

But yeah I think this one is a bit longer then lastnights. But I have to go
I'll call you when I get back from my meeting at work tonight so don't get
worried about me or anything, cause if anything did actually happen then you
would be one of the first people to know, with the exception of my parents
and Grandparents, but you understand that right? You still have Piano on
mondays right so then you'll propobly read this after your Piano lesson and
then I'll call while your reading this and then that wouldn't make much
sense now that I just tought of that but yeah, so I will call you when I get
back, regardless of if you've read this e-mail or not. I'm not thinking
very clearly right now so I think I should go and get some caffine into my
system cause it helps me think good, haha, it should actually be it helps
me think well but I'm not in english class yet so that doesn't matter, still
I should go cause you might be reading this at lunch and if it gets to long
then you could be late for school and I would be sad if you got in trouble
for being late to school because of my e-mail, and remember stay clean,
stay sober and don't bring knives to school, and if you thought that I ment
that you can't bring more then one to school I ment that you can't bring any
knives to school, cause if they found a knife on you they might close down
your school and that would make me sad cause your so happy there but I
should really go now, this time I'm serious so I'll call you later ok.

*hug*
bye
Jeremy

P.S. I got my Creed CD back, the one with the old stuff on it so I'm happy
now :)
_________________________________________________

derp1472@hotmail.com wrote:
Hi I got your e-mail earlier today and I'm hoping that you'll call me
sometime tonight, but if you don't then thats fine. I'm really sick I feel
like crap right now. I had a lot of quizes today in school and I have two
papers to write by Monday(I already got the longest one started) but I feel
really sick. I got ICQ now so if you get an ICQ message from someone you
don't know then it's probly me, just to let you know. So your coming back
on late Monday, but I'll be able to see you on Tuesday(at least I hope to
see you on Tuesday) but anyway, I could really use a hug right now but I
guess it can wait until Tuesday hopefully, but anyways, I really hope that
your having a good time over at your sisters and I hope that the plane ride
went well. So I guess that I'll talk to you later sometime hopefully.

*hug*
bye
Jeremy
_________________________________________________

derp1472@hotmail.com wrote:
hi I just thought that I would e-mail you tonight, I got my social paper
done earlier tonight. Cause I left work at about 3:00 today and I took a nap
after I took some medicine. So now I'm feeling a lot better :) hehe. I
hope that you had a lot of fun today in Seattle. but anyways I really miss
you but your having fun and your happy so it evens out :)
Kyle just asked me if I think that he regrets introducing you to me. Anyways
I gave him the truthful answer, I don't know if he really liked it or not
but anyways.

Hey have you seen G.I. Jane(you know the movie with Demi Moore) cause if you
haven't we should watch it, cause I was watching it today and I thought that
we should watch it cause it's a good movie and stuff.

Kyle just asked me if I was glad that he introduced us to each other, and I
said yes of course. Then I asked him if he was glad that he introduced us
to each other and he said yes and no, his reasonings were that yes because
we are both happy but no because he has to listen to other people "bitch"
about how "sick" it is that we can spend this much time toghether and not
get sick of each other, so I told him that I'm not getting sick of spending
all this time with you but I can't speak for Mary, so anyways are you
getting sick of spending all this time with me cause I was just wondering.
I don't mean it in a bad way or anything I was just wondering so don't get
worried.cause I want to get your view on that question too but I suppose
that I should go I hope to talk to you soon.

*hug*
bye
Jeremy

_________________________________________________

Ky really did get mad at both of us for a while... I know there were a few times when I almost lost his friendship over this issue. Jer and I really did have our lives so focused on eachother that other friends started to fade into the background for both of us- reading later e-mails, it seems so much more obvious now that Jer and I became such good friends when we were dating that both of us, he more than I, forgot how to rely on other friends when we really needed them.
_________________________________________________

derp1472@hotmail.com wrote:

I just wanted you to know that you didn't owe me an explination for
Saturday. To tell you the truth whenever anyone talks about Randy I get
in a really bad mood, because of what he did to you. I really don't know
how to respond to this e-mail but anyways.

I think that I owe you an explination as to why I haven't kissed you yet,
remember how I told you that you're my first serious girlfriend, well a lot
goes with that too, if your still confused as to what I'm trying to explain
it's that I've never kissed a girl before, I know that it sounds really
stupid and stuff and I really wish I hadn't said this, but it's something
that I thought that you should know.

but I should go now
I'll see you later today
bye
*hug*
Jeremy
_________________________________________________

derp1472@hotmail.com wrote:
Well I just want to tell you that every time I leave your house I want to
give you a kiss but I just never end up doing it, so I really don'nt no
where else to go with this one, it's kinda like I just want you to kiss me
but I don't know it's really weird. I also wanted you to know that you set
the pace for this relationship so it's kinda like if you want to do things
faster I'll go faster and if you just want to lay off then I'll just be like
way back there, because I don't want to make you uncomfortable or anything
like that.

You know what makes me really mad is that my brother rented the Gladiator,
he was like "I rented the Gladiator" then I was like "oh I can't watch it
with you, because I promised that I would watch it with Mary" so I'm stuck
downstairs watching TV and writing e-mails and stuff like that.

Oh yeah I just wanted to let you know the Bobbie says that your really
pretty, and Andrew was just like WOW, he said that he was suprized that I
was able to get some one so good looking, and the I told him that I guess I
should be offended by that but I really wasn't to mad about it, but I
thought that you might want to know this.

But I'm going to be going now so I'll talk to you later.
bye
*hug*
Jeremy
_________________________________________________

derp1472@hotmail.com wrote:

Thats cool, cause we were wondering if you had fun tonight because we only
had one battle but they'll be glad that you had fun I'm glad that you had
fun too, they told me that you should come more often so I was wondering if
you wanted to role play everytime that we did cause that would be awesome
but it would have to work around your schedule too,

I was listening to that Blessed Union CD that you let me borrow and I really
liked the first song I think it can sum up a lot of things pretty easily if
you know what I mean, the first time I heard it I thought of you and how it
kinda talks about how I fel about you, the first time I heard that song I
almost cried, now thats not an easy thing to do to me but that the way I
feel about you.

*I wanna be there when your feeling high I wanna be there when you wanna
die, gonna light your fire gonna feed your flame I wanna be there when you
go insane I wanna be there when your feeling down and I'll be there when
your head is spinning round*

thats about all that I can type in right now cause I'm listening to the song
right now but I'm glad to hear that you had fun tonight so I'll talk to you
later

*hug*
Jeremy
_________________________________________________

derp1472@hotmail.com wrote:

Well I had a great Christmas, I got a lot of cool things that I really
wanted it was awesome, and thank you for your gifts, lol my mom gave me a
Master of Puppets CD too, but I'm going to exchange hers because I already
opened yours. I hope that your tree was good enough for Christmas even though it was crooked.

I know that I'll get to see you before my break is over, I'm on break until
the 3rd of January, well I shouldn't say that I know that I'll see you it's
more of a I really hope that I get to see her, considering that I don't work
until Saturday this week and that I get off work at 4 on Sunday(New Years
Eve) thats another thing that I was wondering about what are you doing then,
cause it would be really cool if I got to see you, plus I just might have a
suprize for you.

Oh yeah I haven't cut myself with my knife yet.
You remember what I said on Friday or Early Saturday about not going to bed
at all *duh I already told you about that* never mind.

I'm trying to get on AIM right now seeing if by chance you're on there,
cause I'm not sure if I should call or not, cause of the holidays and what
not.

I'm running out of things to say but I guess then I should say goodbye, but
before I go I just wanted to let you know that your the amazing one, you
make me want to get up and go to work or go to school, you make the day seem
not so bad you're the only person that makes my happy on the really bad
days, you're there for me and thats what really counts.

I hope you read this and it makes you smile cause thats what I was aiming
for with this message plus I just wanted you to know how much you mean to
me, but I gotta go so I'll talk to you later.

bye
*hug*
Jeremy

_________________________________________________

Now here's where things start to get really ugly. :( This is probably a few months after we broke up.
_________________________________________________

derp1472@hotmail.com wrote:
I read that little thing in your profile, I don't know what it means, and I
don't really care what it means, if you think that I'm not what I seem,
you're wrong, you got to know me, the real me, you never talked to me for a
while, so I figure that why even bother anymore, so don't think that it's
you thats the problem, I just realized that I don't need something like this
in my life now, I can't be good friends with a person that did something
like that to me, you can sit there and think that it wasn't a big deal, but
it was to me. So if you hae anything else to say to me, say it soon, cause
I don't know whats going to happen in the near future.
_________________________________________________

Here's a few segments of an e-mail from Randy, dealing with my trying to cope with screwing things over with Jeremy
jazz32@clear.lakes.com wrote:
Well, i have to apologize to you. It seems that i get a reply from you... I
decide that i am tired and will reply tomorrow.... Then the next day i just
say i can wait another day, and another day. I feel so guilty for all of the
times that i said i will keep in touch more, but don't. I remember saying that
we could grow old and maybe someday have coffee together when we were old and
wrinkled... i remember saying that to you. But now i realize that i really
have fallen short of what i should be. That is why today i have read your response,
but decided to reply right away. I really am sorry about you and jeremy.
I really do know how you feel. I felt the same way... and i am afraid that
i will do the same thing. I don't like the idea of getting too attached to
things. I only put confidence and rely on myself. I don't like to put so much
into other things, because they can be lost. I know this because i could have
lost a good friend--and it would have been my fault too... My mind is always
contradicting itself... i am assuming that yours is the same way now. I know
that maybe it seemed that i did give up on replying to you, but i have never
given up on you....
And i really feel bad that he broke his promise to you... things
are never what you expect to be when you make those promises... And keeping
your innocence is a wonderful thing....
don't know what to tell
you about jeremy... I will try once more to try and be here for you... I will
call tomorrow... It will probably be in the afternoon, because i will probably
be expected to go out tomorrow night... once again tomorrow might be a serious
night after all that i have brought up tonight... Being catious is the way
to go... you wouldn't want to be in the mess that i am in... but for you it
might be worse....
hopefully this final goodbye letter will shake something
loose in his head... Maybe he too will decide that you aren't worth giving up
on....
Seems after all that we gave up on eachother. Would he have ever given up on me if I hadn't made that first irrevokable, unfixable move?
_________________________________________________

derp1472@hotmail.com wrote:
I know that we haven't done anything for a while, or talked for a while,
most of its because I've been busy with work and stuff, but I think that we
should do something some time, I've kinda been ignoring one of my most
important friends, and I feel bad about it, we should definatley talk, and I
mean a serious conversation. but I got to go, I hope you had fun down in
Florida. call me when you get back.

Later, Jeremy
_________________________________________________

That "serious" conversation never happened. Except for a night two years down the road from this e-mail, we never really talked about anything more than shallow half hearted conversation again. Perhaps this explains why:
To: Kare_Bare17@msn.com
Subject: Re: Re:I will miss you the most!!!

Oh Kari, I need a hug when I see you tonight. Jeremy ended up coming with Laurie and I last night... and I cried then, but I don't think Jeremy saw. I think I realized why I'm so bothered by this. I mean, it's not like when Randy and I broke up.... It's like, this time, I lost one of my dearest friends- and I can't be the one to start that friendship again. Hanging out with him, he doesn't really ask me about my life. We talk a little, but he doesn't really ask me much of anything. I can ask him anything and everything, but I don't wanna push the boundaries he's set. I'm not ready to give up on him, but Laurie said she thought it was a lost cause. I didn't tell her about the whole friendship thing.....
I feel so crushed right now. I can't talk to Laurie, and I can't really talk to Randy. I wish I could talk things out with Jeremy, but I'm so scared. So very scared.
Amanda does get mad very easily, but she wouldn't be Amanda if she didn't get mad. And, although she probably doesn't understand, I'm glad she doesn't have to.
Kari, someday, we'll have serious guys who will stay so serious that they won't ever leave our hearts, and we'll always stay in their's, right? I hope so. I hope so much.
MaryEmma
_________________________________________________

derp1472@hotmail.com wrote:
I suppose your wondering why I blocked you from my E-mail and Aim List, well
it's because you pissed me off, you straight out called me an alchoholic, I
don't appreciater this kind of shit, I don't want you in my life if you are
gonna treat me like this, and yers I was only stopping over to see Laurie,
but I got a girlfriend now, so you don't have to worry about anything
happening between me and her, she is a lot cooler than you were, and if I
didn't make it clear in the past, there is never a future for us, I don't
ever see it happening, unless you changed a lot, like lossing some wheight,
I realized something after you broke up with me, some girls find me
attrartive, to think that I was actually feeling suicidal over you actually
crazy, and by the way I've always had the hots for Laurie, and I always
will, but like I said I have a girlfriend now, who is a lot cooler than you,
and I hope that we'll be together longer than we were, because it seems to
me that you were stuck on Randy the whole time that we were going out,
that's got a lot to do as to this e-mail thatI'm sending, because I know
that you wanted me, and I know that Laurie wanted me at one point, whether
it be now or back when we were going out, and by the way thanks for the
birthday present, if youo even thought of me at all, but my new grilfriend
is a lot cooler than you, I pretty sure I mentionted that already, but
anyway, I thought you might wanna know that, and to tell you right now,
there is no chance between us, and there never will, and to tell you the
straight truth , you act realy childish, you need to act more mature, for
god's sake, you're almost 18, act like it, and just to let you know, my new
girlfriend makes me a whole lot happier than you ever did, just thought that
you might wanna know that, well probaly not, but I'm gonna tell you anyway,
and tell Laurie, that I aways liked her from the begining more than you,
spread the word.
This e-mail alone caused me more pain than any other one person has ever given me in my entire life. It's said that only the people you love most can really hurt you- it's right. Jeremy really is the only person I've ever truely opened my whole heart upto. I trusted him with such deep feelings that I thought he would never betray. To this day, I still can't look in the mirror without wondering if there was any truth in his words...
He called me almost a year ago- our last serious conversation. And as we caught up on our lives, he explained that everything in this e-mail was written in drunken rage, and didn't mean half of what it implied. But I know there was truth behind it- if nothing else, there was pain. Why did we do that to eachother?
_________________________________________________

Here's an end of my e-mail to Randy....
*sigh* I realized something over the past weeks, but I realized it too late. I realized, that I broke up with Jeremy without ever really giving him a chance. We really got to know eachother, and we really trusted eachother, and then I got scared off. I don't know what I was so afraid of... that he would just leave... that he would dissapear... that he would decide he didn't really like me as much as he thought.... that he would find another girl who was prettier or more exciting. And, I've done just about everything I could to get his attention and get him to talk to me again. But, he doesn't want anything to do with me, and I don't blame him. I'm telling you this, because I consider you one of my best friends... and you are pretty much obligated to listen. It comes in your job description :P. Anyways, I'm scared. I pushed him away, and now he's really gone. And, he promised he'd be around forever.
Will I keep pushing people away? Will I ever give anyone enough of a chance that they won't let me push them out of my life? Will everyone always give up on me in the end?
I know.. these questions I have running through my head are stupid and pointless... most people would think I was crazy to believe people give up on me. But, then I think why have things turned out like they have so far? I know I havn't had the best of luck with relationships. Any of them. And, they're always going to jump out and scare me whenever I find anyone who's worth dating.. because if I wasn't cautious, I would probably have lost my innocence long ago.
I don't know how to fix this.. I can't get him not to hate me, and I'm not going to get over my fear of commitment for a long, long time. I don't even know what I expect or want you to reply...
I wrote him a final goodbye.. I said I would stop bothering him, and that he could get in touch with me if ever he deemed me worthy again. But I was too late. I'm not supposed to be too late.

Now that I've bothered you with all the doubts running through my head, I think I'll go.. So I can wait all night and see if he attempts to communicate with me tomorrow.. I have so little hope left of that actually happening.
Again, I hope you find a break in your oh-so-busy life just to sit down and think about the world.. a moment of calmness.. peacefullness.
I'd better go. I've said too much already.
MaryEmma
The year after Jeremy and I broke up, I went very abrubtly from signing my name as "Mary" to signing as "Mary Emma". My best friend wanted nothing to do with me, and I needed a new identity because of that. Funny how something as insignificant as a nickname can actually carry so much meaning.
Also, after watching so many other relationships, I realize I'm not the only one who has pushed away the closest people in my life out of fear. It's not something you ever learn to deal with, and although I keep telling myself it's something I'll never do again- I'm not really sure it's possible. Especially not now. But, of course, I'd have to be getting close to people to feel threatened enough to push them away- and that hasn't happened with anyone since Jer.
_________________________________________________

Here's another e-mail to Randy. Much of this I had forgotten, and I almost cried when I read it tonight. Jeremy was worth so much.
sun@saiyan.com wrote:
Randy-
You have nothing to appologize for. I think, if anything, I finally understand what things are like for you. I didn't want to care.. and I still don't want to... but, I couldn't push that away.
The hardest thing I've ever had to do is keep in touch with you. To start with, it just killed me. Because, I knew how great you were, and what I was missing out on.. Jeremy, however... had it worse than I have it. He was still putting peices of me together.. he had to gain my trust in guys.
I knew he wouldn't be around forever, but I don't understand why he promised. I told him it was a promise that he wouldn't be able to keep, and that he shouldn't make it if he couldn't keep it.. But he thought he was my everything. So, he made it anyways.
I feel like such a bitch... I mean, I left him.. I'm the only person he's ever confided in, the only person who took the time to get to know him. But I wasn't ready to commit myself.
I used to get so upset after you called.. Because I remember the way things were with us. I was always so excited to see you, and my friends got so mad at us for spending a weekend together... A stupid weekend. But, Jeremy was around all the time.. and I wasn't so happy to see him. I'd drive him home, thinking about why I wasn't so happy to see him, and he'd ask what was bothering me. I'd say I want what I had.. and I could see him start to break. Because he knew that we didn't have that, and it was me that wasn't happy. So, I'd drive back home, and I'd call him, and he'd be crying.. but he'd try his hardest not to let on that he was.
He'd tell me you were a jerk, and he'd never be like you. He didn't understand how anyone could just stop being around. Only, it wasn't your fault, it was mine. So, then I'd call him after we talked, and I'd be crying. And I'd cry and listen to him talk, because talking was all he could do to get me to stop. But then, he started yelling at me, telling myself that if I didn't want to cry anymore, there had to be something I needed to fix. I'd tell him I couldn't stop talking to you, because you're one of my best friends, and you're the closest anyone is to knowing me inside and out. So, he'd get worried and upset again.
There's little things he does that are cute.. the way he ties his shoes.. the way he was afraid to do anything that would upset me. But, they built up.. and I'd find myself crying more becuase of him than because of you. And then, it hit me. I couldn't be around a person who didn't repsect my desisions, stupid as they were. He didn't believe I should be talking to you, but he didn't know the whole story.. only what he wanted to hear. He got so upset about me ever being sarcastic, but then when he got angry, he would just leave.
He was at my house once, and he got bored.. and he got mad because I was on the computer doing something, and he was bored. So, he walked out of the house, took his car, and drove off. Not one word of where he was going. And I was supposed to believe that he wouldn't ever leave.
Problem was, I was getting attatched.. and we can't have that.. because if he gets so upset he has to leave rather than yelling at me, there's nothing to say he won't just dissapear forever the next time he walks out on me. So, I ended it.. I said we needed to take a break... temporarily.
And, we both cried a whole lot. Him, because he lost a stupid title. She's my "girlfriend". But, it's not like we ever kissed more than a few times, he was very shy about that. So, what were we really loosing? I didn't think it was much, but that's when he stopped talking. He stopped visiting, stopped calling. I called him one morning, and he yelled at me because I didn't have a good reason to call- i just wanted to talk.
He never tried to change my mind. He decided to respect my desicion. What kind of a person doesn't try to chase after someone when they're breaking down? And then we stopped talking. He was so busy being hurt about loosing a title, that he didn't realize he had lost so much more. And, he stopped believing.
I don't know where I lost all my trust in people.. I mean, other than Ben, I havn't had any major deaths in my family. And, although it was sad to loose Ben, that was more of a major faith builder than a loss of trust in people. You're the only guy I've ever gone truley off track after loosing, and we've at least turned out to be great friends (besides not seeing eachother much). But, there have been a lot of other guys that have done pretty stupid things to such a vulnerable person as myself.
I want so much to believe that it's not worth chasing people.. and now that I've messed up Jeremy's life, I want even more to believe it now... but I can't. It's me pushing everyone away that's the problem.. not people not caring enough for me. I don't even come from a broken home. Laurie... so much has happened to her latley, I'm suprised she still holding herself together. It makes my troubles seem so insignificant.
I don't want to have to change for people.. I know what it's like to put a different mask on each day. And, it sucks. But, I can't and I won't let myself fall again. How do you do it?
I'm barely hanging on right now as it is. And, as much as I'd like to just be me, I don't think there's anyone who could deal with the real me right now. If you havn't given up on me, I'm amazed. Because right now It feels as if I've given up on myself. I had finally built up my confidence to believe in myself... but I don't think that my confidence is worth shattering other people over.
That's what I did.. I broke him. He doesn't believe anymore, he doesn't have dreams. I also know what that's like.. and unless he finds somoene to catch him soon, he's going to do something really stupid. I'm scared for him.. I'm scared for me. I'm scared for you... because Miranda is going to be a big part of your life forever, even if things don't work out. I'm scared for us.. there must be some people who won't have us doubting everything. And, I'm especially scared for Laurie- she's strong. But, I don't relate to her as much as I'd like. I bet though, when we get older, she'll be the happiest out of all of us. She's going to keep fighting to change things. All I can do is fight to believe things will be okay.
I have a stupid assignment to school, that's going to keep me up intill the odd hours of the morning.. so I'd better go. Thanks for keeping in touch.. It means so much to me. I'm glad I held on to that.. If you call today, I've got a piano lesson from about 3:25 to 4:25 or so.. But, I hope I hear from you soon.
Mary
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sun@saiyan.com wrote:
I don't know if you get my e-mails anymore, or if you even bother to read them. I've thought about calling so many times it's crazy, but I know what our conversation would sound like.
What's on your mind Jeremy? You've told me you just want to be friends, and I'm trying to deal with that.. but we aren't really acting like friends. Is it space you want? Is it friendship? Is it more or less? I have to know.
People make mistakes, and I realize I'm prone to make more mistakes than most people in the world. When I said we just needed to be friends for a while, my mind was backing up my desicion. My heart was not. What I needed so badly to discover was that I can live without holding someone's hand. And, I did discover that, but now I realize the price to pay for that knowlege was too great. I've lost my best friend, and I've given my heart away to someone who is too hurt to cherish it.
Do I sill hold peices of your heart? What can I do to make you whole again? Or, if you're whole agian, what can I do to keep you that way? If you say it's friendship, act like a friend. I can't deal with hoping you'll throw a 'hey, whats up' in my direction, when you're not interested in talking to me. If you say it's space, then I'll leave you alone and put my heart back together on my own. If it's something else, I'll make do.
It wasn't fair of me to expect so much of you.. It wasn't fair for me to give you all my burdens. It wasn't fair to expect your friendship when I took away that last bit of trust we had... and it's definatly not fair for me to expect you'll still want me hanging around now.
So I'm giving you space until you say otherwise. It's probably the hardest thing I'll ever do... leaving the one person alone who gave me the greatest year of my life. I hope you find love, I hope you find happiness.. I hope you find everything you helped me find. Most of all, I hope wherever you find it, you're strong enough to hold on to it. I wasn't.
Mary
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sun@saiyan.com wrote:
Randy-
It's weird, the things you're reminded of as a day passes. Tonight, Kari and I saw a movie.. 'America's Sweethearts.' One of the scenes showed the main guy getting hit in the head with a platter, and the girl he was in love with asking if he was alright.. It made me remember one of the most wonderful nights of my life.
My friends and I were at a girls house watching 'The Breakfast Club'... Jeremy had been throwing pillows at me throughout the movie, so Ky was going to beat on him for me. Ky was swinging him in circles, I was going to hit Jeremy with a pillow when he was swung in my direction, and next thing I know me and Jeremy are on the floor with pounding heads. Someone found me a bag of ice to put on my eye, and Jeremy and Ky appologized continously for the rest of the night...
I was just thinking, out of anyone in the world who could have had that moment, it belonged to Jeremy and I. It could've been any other person I was trying to hit with a pillow... but it wasn't. I wish sometimes, that I was better at thinking of longterm consequenses than I am. *sigh* Magical moments don't just happen to anyone.
Mary
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sun@saiyan.com wrote:
Randy-
I think I missed you being online last night by about 5 minutes. I was actually home for a while, and online... but Laurie and Jeremy wanted tacos so we left for a little bit.
Oh Gosh. Jeremy showed up at the movie theatre last night, and it was really cool, because he was okay, and well... but then we started talking. He was telling us about how cool it is to go get drunk everyweekend, and how he messed around with this girl last week.
I think it's really sad how people can change. Jeremy used to be such a different person... he used to think he wouldn't get into drinking, or being around lots of people that do drugs and stuff. Just hearing that he messed around with some girl, doing some stuff he probably shouldn't have been doing... It's weird. I wanted so badly to know he was alright. And, now that I've seen him again.. it's just so wrong. I'm glad he came, because now I know that the Jeremy I miss so much doesn't exist in this world anymore.. but at the same time, I don't know how much I can be around this new Jeremy- he's in a totally different world. I suppose it couldn't end up any other way, I did break the guys heart- but I managed not to fall that far, why did he have to?......
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Another piece of one to Randy....
It's going to be a long couple of weeks, these weeks ahead. *sigh* Ky, one of the only people who actually sticks around to talk through my problems with me... isn't speaking to me anymore. Laurie's busy with her life (no suprise there), and you've been who knows where.
Anyway, Ky isn't talking to me because he was trying to tell me it was unfair of me to go out of my way to include Jeremy in my life. Jeremy isn't doing so well as far as I can tell- I'm really scared for him, for where his life is going. And, I've decided if I ever see or talk to him again I'll tell him how worried I am about him. (I pray God will give me the strength I need to confront him, It won't be easy) I told Ky that he didn't have a right to tell me who I talk to, and he said he gets to pick who he talks to... I told him fine then, be that way, don't talk to me. And, he hasn't. Dumb pride. I'm going crazy now... this past week I've had no one to talk things out with, and I really miss Ky's insane personality.
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sun@saiyan.com wrote:
It's not like your going to get this e-mail anyway, so I don't know why I'm even trying to write back... but I think you should know I never meant to imply you were an alcholoic, I just wanted you to know it's weird knowing you're in a wolrd I can't relate to, and I hope you make it, becuase I never would.
I'm not supprised to know you liked Laurie... and It's obvious that she had feelings for you. She's pretty, she's outgoing she's fun... how am I ever supposed to compare to that?
And as for your new girlfriend, I'm glad you found someone who makes you happy. You'll never talk to me again, and that's fine... the only reason I was bothering you so much before is because I wanted to know you were happy.
You so obviously made it clear the last time I saw you that you wanted nothing to do with me, that I'm supprised you're still wasting enough time on me to send hate mail. How could I ever have second guessed that when you said you were having fun in your life, you meant it...
Well, I'm sorry. I'm glad your happy, I'm glad you liked Laurie-because I've had those doubts for a while, and I'm especially glad that you're as sure as I am that we weren't meant for eachother.
Mary
Drunken rage... I didn't have such an excuse. I was trying so hard just to keep my emotions and temper in check when I wrote this e-mail. I really meant everything I said, except for the last part.
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....The whole guy who looks like Jeremy thing- it really made me nervous. It made me start thinking about things again. I could barely talk to the guy who had a resemblance to Jeremy, what will I do if I ever run into the real Jeremy? It makes me think that maybe I'm not dealing with the feelings I'm having in the right way. I'm still especially angry with myself, (and still a little with God) that Jeremy hates me. Laurie says he doesn't hate me, but then why would he say those things to me? I guess I'm just frustrated. How can I forgive myself for what I did to him, if he can't forgive me? What makes me think I deserve another guy if I hurt the ones who matter?....

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Ky forwarded this back to me because we had been arguing again, probably about what friends should act like toward eachother. He pointed out that I also forwarded it to Jer... I never got a response from him though.
> From: Mary Emma [mailto:sun@saiyan.com]
> Sent: Thursday, December 27, 2001 6:25 PM
> To: derp1472@hotmail.com; eternalky@charter.net
> Subject: Fwd:feeling better
>
>
> Ky-
> I know we havn't talked lately, and seriously it makes me
> really sad. But, on the other side of things, I understand
> why you wouldn't want to be talking to me right now
> anyway.... I mean, I wouldn't go out of my way to talk to me
> if I was you.
> I never mean to forget about our plans, but I'm guessing
> deep down you know that. I just- I get so distracted with
> life, with thoughts, with trying to run away from the
> world... and sometimes it's easier to forget about everything
> than to remember the people who would actually help.
> I could say I'm sorry, which I am, but I know that no
> excuses are good enough for putting people off. I can say
> I'll try to stop doing that, but even if I do tell myself
> I'll stop, it's not going to be an easy habbit to break.
> Anyway, I hope we're still cool, and I hope you'll forgive
> me for whatever sadness I bestow upon you.
>
>
> This is part of an e-mail I found from J a long time ago that
> I thought I'd share with you... It's from way back when J
> was still the Jeremy I remember.... I don't think he'd still
> have the same answer now ;(.
>
> >Kyle just asked me if I was glad that he introduced us to
> each other, and I said yes of course. Then I asked him if he
> was glad that he introduced us to each other and he said yes
> and no, his reasonings were that yes because we are both
> happy but no because he has to listen to other people "bitch"
> about how "sick" it is that we can spend this much time
> toghether and not get sick of each other, so I told him that
> I'm not getting sick of spending all this time with you but I
> can't speak for Mary, so anyways are you getting sick of
> spending all this time with me cause I was just wondering. I
> don't mean it in a bad way or anything I was just wondering
> so don't get worried.cause I want to get your view on that
> question too but I suppose that I should go I hope to talk to
> you soon.
>
> I'm not sorry you introduced us... I still treasure all the
> good times I spent with him. However, I am sorry I shut you
> out of my problems with J, because you out of anyone deserves
> to know what I'm thinking if you want to hear it.
>
> Again, I hope things are cool between us... If you write
> back, I'll try to call sometime soon, if it's alright.
> MaryEmma

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A lot of those e-mails didn't really need to be posted for the world to read. Mostly, they're there because they were once such a big part of my life, and I needed to read through them and relive some of the feelings that actually happened, because lately I think I've been forgetting a lot of the truth behind everything I'm feeling.
I don't remember what it felt like anymore unless I force myself to really think what those feelings were... what it felt like to not be able to kiss him- and why that was so hard.... what it was like to see him as a "friend" after we broke up.... how stupid I was acting towards him, and how I was trying so hard to put him in the wrong for everything that went bad between us. But I also had forgotten what it felt like to get excited about his e-mails.. it's been so long since I've been that excited about someone.
Jeremy, J, Jer.... he has been through stages of my life, as he has been the one to really help me learn how to deal with the stages of friendship, love, pain, and greif. I'm sure this isn't going to be my last post about him, but I feel a little more of a sense of closure than I did before. I need that sometimes.
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