Last night, at the dance, there was a boy named Alex. For the first time since before Jeremy died, even though it's only been about two months, he smiled at me like he had no cares in the world- like he wasn't afraid of me, and like I shouldn't be afraid of him. He didn't have any sort of judgement in his eyes, and for the first time in a long time I didn't feel like I wasn't pretty enough to really hold his attention.

I know that my heart has made promises to itself- they've grown stronger now that Jeremy's gone. But my mind is racing, because as always the music I'm listening to has gotten it wondering, hoping, praying that maybe he's the one I'm waiting for.

Am I still waiting? I want someone in my life just as badly as the next person- but I really don't want to jump into believing anything anymore.

I don't believe you always have the choice of chosing how long someone gets to be in your life. And, I don't want to start anything- not even friendship- with someone who's just going to dissapear in a month or two, because they've gotten tired of me, or they've moved on to more exciting people. I don't want to have to face down the choice again of keeping someone in my life against their will- knowing that out of respect I should dissapear, but wanting so badly to do anything but dissapear. I don't want that unbelievable phonecall ever again... because even though it may be worth it to love and lose, rather than not love- that pain is so fresh in my memory still.

I'm crazy. Why am I even worrying about this? Why does one friendly smile turn my world upside down- is it really that unusual?

For so long, I've been longing for someone to look at me the way he did. To be so friendly, so that it doesn't matter that I'm not such an outgoing person. But I'm scared out of my wits- and I should be. I'm guarding my heart- because my tendancy to jump to conclusions proves itself obnoxious a bit too often... It could've just been a friendly look.

Still, he gave it to me. He gave me something to smile about.