Today is another one of those grey days. The ones where you look outside and wish that you didn't have to get up or do anything.

I got up this morning, had coffee with my sister and went to class. It wasn't until I got home that the sudden depression really kicked in.

I've still been having a lot of problems dealing with my roommate situation. Yesterday I thought I was imagining the coldness between us- but today it was really there. She only ever responds to me if we're talking about an issue that needs to be delt with, or if she's curious about where I'm going for the night. If I say things like "hi" when one of us walks in to the room, it's completely ignored. I don't deal well with that kind of chill.

I started calling a few random friends today, hoping to catch someone that would maybe cheer me up by distracting my thoughts for a while... but the few people I talked to didn't really help as much as I wished. My mum called in the middle of my search to find someone to talk to, and after getting of the phone with her I just wanted to cry.

She loves me, she told me so today. Some people take for granted that their parents love them- I went through many of my past years without hearing that enough from my mother. Until I moved out to Seattle for school, I can remember her saying she loved me maybe twice.

It made me so homesick.

I got two letters in the mail today, and I started writing back to one of the people who wrote me- but even that seemed impossible. Although letters can turn my day around and give me a little tinge of hope and a smile when everything seems to be getting worse- they aren't enough for me to convince myself to write back on the worst days. I hate writing to people about only negative things.

So, Kat called me back, because we were going to hangout. She gave me several options for getting to her place, and I opted to walk- taking Joy's advice.

Walking isn't something I go out of my way to do when I'm depressed. What I really wanted to do was curl up in a ball on my bed, throw some music into my discman, put on my headphones, forget about the rest of the world, and have myself a good cry.

But I can't do that these days. Not with my roommate- so much of my stress is caused because of her. But I will never let her see me cry.

So I walked, and listened to 38th parallel. Taking out my rage with christian music is so releasing. I still don't feel especially great, but I know that God is around and knows what I'm going through. The tears I wasn't able to shed have been held back before by other people too- and their music helps me stay strong when I have no other alternatives.

It's still grey outside, and today is definatly an uphill climb. I'm going to hold on.