I fear the unknown. I fear it so much that this week and last I have had a sense of foreboding, been on the verge of some sort of break down / panic attack, and have had a huge lump in my stomach that butterflies are flying around like crazy.

I understand why life is not simple, and that things will always be complicated... but I wish we could settle into some sort of content routine or lifestyle. Having to always worry about how much money we have in the bank account and if we will be able to pay the next months rent is such a big burden. I guess I should at least take comfort in the fact that as of right now I know we will not come up short... but how many months more can we slide by like this? How long will we watch our savings dwindle down into nothing?

The American Dream never really seemed like much of a dream to me growing up. I always thought it was just a given in my life; I assumed that anyone growing up in middle class environments or better just grew up and got houses and jobs and families and that their lives would be balanced and wonderful. But now it is one of the dreams I want most- we will not be able to afford a house any time soon. At the rate we are able to save money, we could very well be in apartments forever. What happened to that dream? When did reality become so harsh?

I wish I knew. I'd even feel better just knowing we would be alright a few months into the future. But this - unknown- is getting to be too much for me.