I started going to church again in the last few months. I have only been there 3 times, but it lifts such a heavy burden from my soul. I had forgotten what it was like to be in an environment like that were people really seem to want to love and support me, even though they barely know who I am. It is so uplifting, and it is helping me reground my faith.

At the same time, it is bringing up the questions I've had about the faith I grew up with more and more; even now I don't (think I) believe the same things that the people at this new church believe, and that feels somewhat like a drawback. Because out of anyone to share beliefs with, I think I would be the most uncomfortable sharing these beliefs with them. At the same time, I know that everyone has questions about their faith if they think about it hard enough, and no one's faith can be exactly the same.

Also, last night we went to the Christmas party for where my husband works. There is a potential job opportunity for me there, and after being around people who would be coworkers, it is one I am hoping for more than is good... if I have learned anything important over the last year it is that I should not count on jobs until I actually hear the words, "You're hired", since there is a significant amount of competition for them. But still, the hope has been planted.

Life feels like maybe it is becoming more balanced again. Finally. And it is wonderful.

I like this thing that we call hope.


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On a different note, the grief inside me is creeping out again here and there. And I think that is ok. It will always be a part of me. Perhaps I am finding within myself the way that I need to deal with it, given that although I can talk about it to any number of people there will never be anyone who misses him like I miss him.

"It was a long season of mourning, and there were times when I wondered if I should mourn all my life and never again be free of it; but at last I could remember without weeping, and recall the days of love without unending sorrow welling up like tears from the very depths of my being. there is no sorrow like the memory of love and the knowledge that it is gone forever; even in dreams, I never saw again his face, and though I longed for it, I came at last to see that it was just as well, lest I live all the rest of my life in dreams..." -The Mists of Avalon, by Marion Zimmer Bradley.