It is starting to feel like maybe I don't have this in me.

And by staying in this limbo between being a stay-at-home mom and finding a job, I am disappointing my family.

What will I do to be able to settle? How do I cross the invisible barrier that is there, holding me back?

I don't have the job skills that I need to be competitive in this job market, if going out of my way to be seen and heard by those hiring is what it takes. I am not an outgoing person, and it is so far past my comfort zone that just thinking about it makes me shake.

Why can't I get past the scaredness that has built up inside?

I just want a job. I just want to make my family proud of me. I just want to pull my own weight.

But I still want the freedom to be who I am.

And this leaves me breaking down, because I feel so conflicted inside. Every choice I have to make just leaves me further from knowing what is right.