After some goading from my husband, on Monday I finally got it together. I summoned up my courage and I called one of the prospective employers on my list. I thought to myself, "What's the worst that could happen? They found someone else? Big deal. Everyone else has been doing the same thing." I then proceeded to practice what I would say on the phone for half an hour before calling. I dialed three wrong numbers, and had to wait an hour and a half to call back because when I finally did figure out the right place to call they were on lunch break.

The result was disastrous. Not only had they given the job to someone else, the person I talked to was not nice about it, and emphasized my lack of experience. Perhaps she was just trying to be nice and help me understand why I didn't get the job- I will never know. I very politely said, "That's Okay", finished the conversation, hung up and lost it.

All of Monday evening and yesterday I was edgy, barely holding myself together, and every few hours breaking down and crying.

As a result, or maybe it was just a realization I've been missing for a while now, I came to the conclusion that I really miss my Grandma Betty. Yesterday I would've given anything to have been able to call her & talk my current life frustrations over with her, listen to any advice she had, and then let her tell me that she knows I can do this.

I know I have lots of people in my life who believe in me. Most more than I believe in myself. It is not very often that I reach spots in my life though, that Grandma's influence in my life cannot be reached by other people.

Perhaps that too, is part of the process of grief.

Am I lost in my grief these days? Grief for people who I've lost, and for situations I left behind?

I'm not angry. I don't think I'm in denial.

But I miss the way things used to be, and while I want to push myself forward with the life I have, I just don't know how to go about it.

:/

These thoughts, yet again, don't feel connected to me in a way that makes sense. I just wanted to get my job search frustrations out in the open, and now the subject has completely flipped.

Oh well. I guess this is who I am right now.

Happy readings.