I think I am running out of tears... and the stress is still there, but feels like it is ebbing.

Yesterday was one of the hardest I've had in a long time. I started out in the morning with a job counseling appointment, where I learned the success rate for people with my search strategy finding a job is really low. And, of course, if I want to up my chances of finding a job I have to find a new strategy (or preferably several) to add to the one I am using already, and they all involve reaching out to people.

Halfway through the appointment I was afraid I would burst out in tears. By the end I had calmed down again, and was even starting to think maybe it was possible.

But then I got home.

There is a certain online game I've been playing a lot lately. Like, more than any sane person should. And sadly enough it has been partly an excuse for me to be social with the outside world.

Except the last week or so I have been realizing little by little that even in my game life I'm too shy to really reach out to people I don't already know, and I'm so afraid of bothering people that I'm actually ending up just talking to them less and less. The few friends I do have I rely on heavily, and when they're not around..... I wander aimlessly feeling like I'm lost.

Last night after thinking about this all afternoon, I was ready to cry again. I wanted to just let it all out, but got to bed and realized I had nothing left to let out.

And this morning I woke up at 5, and was barely able to fall back asleep again.

I was trying to convince my husband last week that I didn't really need to go to the counseling appointment I set up a few weeks from now... but today I think maybe that was wrong, and I'm glad that all the work of setting it up is over- I don't know if I would be strong enough to reach out again on my own.

I don't want to feel like this anymore. And I feel so helpless to do anything.

It is a good thing I have a loving family, and a wonderful little child. I'm not sure there is a lot else keeping me grounded.