Jeremy,

I don't think you understand, how it was supposed to be.

We were going to grow old together, or I was going to grow old knowing you were happy. Those were the choices...

You left me behind again. I want to be with you, I don't want to go through the rest of my life without you...

I don't feel alright anymore. When Laurie and I went to the place you died, I wanted to pull out the same way you did. I wanted to be hit by a car, so I wouldn't have to be here anymore.

You weren't supposed to die. You weren't aloud to leave first.... didn't you know how much I needed you? How much I needed to know you were alright?

I thought to myself this summer, the last time I saw you, that if we started talking again maybe I'd move closer to home. Maybe we could start working on our friendship again, maybe we could be there for eachother instead of just wishing.

Now, home is the last place I want to be. I'm spending a month here knowing that we're not going to cross paths, and that you're not going to get on IM, or call.

I'm writing to you now with no tears. I don't have the energy to cry anymore- I have to see my friends from school tomorrow, and next week I have friends and family here. It's not that I'm putting on the fake smile I mastered over the past years.... it's that they want me to be happy, and you would've wanted me to be happy, so I'm not going to grieve. I'm not going to take the time I need to step back and believe what happened, instead I'm going to go through the rest of my life believing you moved on and found a good life.

I don't understand a lot of things. I don't understand why you got to leave first. And I don't understand why you were stronger than I was. I don't understand why you were able to walk away pretending you didn't care.

I watched you go through hell and back after we stopped talking so much. What you don't know is that I did the same, but in a different way. Instead of taking my pain out on the world, I bottled it up inside and became better at blocking people from me. I'm still scared- scared to let anyone in that deep. I havn't admitted it even to myself until this moment- because I'm so open with anyone who listens. But it turns out I have secrets on my heart too.

This past summer, and very late spring, after I heard you were doing okay, I had moved on again. I missed you still, thought of you often, prayed for you every night- but I was content because I knew that you were okay.

Your.... death has rekindled a lot of old pain. I wish I could be sick, throw up, get a fever, dwindle in and out of conciousness for a few days, and wake up only to find I'm dreaming.

But I don't wake up, and the sick feeling still hasn't really left.

I was reading through an old journal today. A lot of why you were so different from eveyrone was because you understood, and if you didn't you tried to until you did, and you cared when everyone else had no time, and you noticed when I was down when no one else could.

That must have been a dream. Perhaps all through my life I drempt you, and I have yet to find someone for the first time.

I should've died first. Why couldn't you give me that? You're the lucky one... you don't have to live through this world anymore.

For six months, you were the reason I woke up in the morning. You would call me before you went to school (two hours before I actually woke up every day), and we would talk late into the night. After we stopped dating, you were the reason I woke up in the morning; I hoped that every day something would change between us. When it didn't change, and I moved on from actually believing we could fix whatever went wrong, you were the reason I woke up in the morning. I prayed that you were okay, wherever you were, and that you would forgive me so that we could talk and move our different directions, and be happy for eachother.

Now, you are the reason I wake up in the morning. I hope I can have that kind of relationship with someone again someday.

Right now, I'm too scared. I opened up to you, we caused eachother more pain than anyone else had ever caused either of us, and then we walked out of eachother's lives. Then you died. The lesson I picked up was thus; people you get close to will either reject you, or die someday anyway.

I wish I had a wall to go pound. I wish I had tears to cry, and I wish I could get this feeling building up in me out.

But not tonight.


I miss you Jer- a lot. More than anyone will ever know or understand. I don't want to believe you're gone- because someday I have to be able to trust someone else. I have to go put on a happy face, and try my hardest to make it genuine- because even though I have doubts I know with all my heart that you wanted me to be happy just as badly as I wanted you to be happy.

I'm not ready to wish you goodbye quite yet though. I'm not done needing you.

So, I'll wish you a goodnight.

I love you. Always and forever.

Mary