Jeremy,
Laurie and I went to your intersection today.... we brought two beautiful carnations with us. They were white with maroon tips, and the lady at the flower store had to dig to find them, she was going to give us pink. It took us a while to figure out where we were, because I tried to get there going on 63... all the places we passed felt so familiar. They're still fresh in my memory from when I used to drive you home. When we drove past your house I almost couldn't believe you weren't there.
The intersection was so busy... did you just not see that lady coming? Did you think you could go faster? The skid marks... the ground where your car dug up the ground.... Shit Jeremy. Why couldn't you have fucking waited a few more seconds?
Were there ambulances? How much traffic did they block to clean everything up? Shattered glass, pecies of car in the tracks... there was no blood.
I took two pieces of your car... small round pieces with holes in the middle. I'm going to make a necklace from them, and wear them until they wear away.
Was there a body bag? Commotion? How is that lady now, and your friend- how is he?
I don't ever want to go back there. That whole side of town.... Jer it's been your turf for two years now. Now that you're not there, I'm not going to pass you on the streets, and there won't be that aukward side glance between us when we do see eachother. It's not so intimidating anymore... it's just... empty.
So many memories flooded me as I drove past all those familiar places. I want to go back, and live through each of them again and again. I want them to keep you alive, because my mind still hasn't made the connection that you're really gone. Even though I know, I don't believe whole heartedly.
There's a lot of aggresion building up in me now. I've been swearing a lot... and I feel sorry for whoever I blow up at later.
I've decided to finish my scrap book while I'm home. I have a month to waste, and as long as I'm stuck reminiscing, I should probably get something constructive done. I wonder what I'll come across.....
So many nights have passed. So much time.
And what do I have to show for it? Where am I? I feel so lost without you Jer. I was lost to begin with.
*sigh*
-Mary