There are a few random thoughts I had meant to post, most of which I did in a recent TOD entry. All of them have a bit to do with Jeremy, amazingly.
--------
As we were walking around the renaissance festival yesterday, I again fell in love with the beautiful dresses. If I ever get married someday- if ever there is anyone in my life again as worthy as Jeremy was of my love- I will have a dress like the ones we saw. Frilly, perhaps. White. Extravigent. Beautifully formed, and made of soft velvety fabric.
This leaves me with a new face of hope- If I can again see the dress in which I will wear as I stand at the alter, perhaps there is hope for losing myself in the life of another once again. Not soon, but someday.
---------
Right now is one of those really emotional moments. I feel as though the tears are welling up inside me, just waiting to be released. Emotions are raging, flaring, taking a hold of me and pulling me to a high.
If I had any tears inside me, I might fear letting a few slip... but I still havn't been able to cry anymore.
---------
It seems like a few of my thoughts lately have been rather morbid.
For example, yesterday I was wondering about two things.
First, with all the people tail gating eachother on highways and interstates, it's amazing that no one was tailgating the woman who T-Boned Jeremy's car. People really do drive crazily, and while I do not know the circumstances in which Jeremy was hit, I still wonder how there could only have been two cars involved. While I'm not glad Jer died, I'm glad more people weren't involved, and that more people didn't die.
Second, it seems ironic to me that a few months after I stopped being so scared about hearing news of Jeremy's death, he actually died. I had actually thought that since I knew he was turning his life around- he was going to be alright, and everything would be okay for him. All my fears subsided, and the worst of all of them happened.
---------
That said, perhaps for a few moments my thoughts can drift for a while away from him.... something that doesn't happen all too often, but on a few more occasions with every day that passes.


I have no idea what to say.
I guess I should metion something about the confusion I feel right now.
Thursday I'm heading back to Seattle- which I'm super excited about. I love that city, and being around my sister, and all the excitement everything there involves.
So, this past week I really said goodbye to some of my best friends. And I miss them already- although their lives have already changed and shifted so much that they don't have the time or energy to much dwell on the past year. :) I'm excited for all the things that are happening in their lives. Especially since I know that in a few weeks, my life will be just as cluttered and insane. But they'll still be in my heart- I'll still wonder how they are, and what they're doing. And I'll still miss them.


I don't know why I just wrote that.
It's hard to tell what's really on my heart these days. I havn't really been having strong emotions- ups or downs, and in all truth I feel somewhat numb to the world.
*sigh*
But I'm excited. I think. About something. About tomorrow....