I made potato pancakes for dinner tonight. The kind my grand mother used to make that I never remember eating before her funeral.

They brought back all sorts of memories and thoughts. Flooded me with them. Probably because it's just me tonight, and my mind is free to wander back.

I miss her. And I miss Jeremy. And I want to grieve them more.

Part of me has given up grieving so that I can be here, in my life, right now. Part of me didn't used to know how to live life for the moment I was in.

Is it okay to take a moment? An hour? An evening? To remember, and miss, and hope and wish that someday, somewhere, I will see my loved ones again?

Maybe I will make pancakes for my grandchildren. Maybe at the family reunions. Maybe only this year, for these memories, on this budget.

Maybe.

Maybe not.